I open my door, close it and collapse on the sofa in the living room to quietly sleep off my wine. But closing my eyes takes me back years and brings to my skin the eerie feeling of the wandering hands of that stupid fucking pastor Mom loved to glorify so much. Thanks to him I know that the spirits that bewitch children do not exist. But bad men do. The men who should never be trusted. Yes. I suppress the urge to vomit and stand up in a hurry. I open the door a crack as he prepares to start his car and drive away. William understands and gets out of the car to find me in front of my door. He opens his mouth. Probably to ask me what made me change my mind. I gag him with a kiss.

There are sorrows that will never leave us. Sorrows that can never be erased. Sorrows that destroy us from within as we bravely smile at life.

There are feelings that only stay beautiful and pure because they are like a rose under a lid. Remove the lid and you will see each petal blasted before your eyes.

William's hands cup my face. Any hand, any mouth, rather than a night of remembrance with those of Mom's pastor.

Open one eye then another. Yawn till my jaw drops. Feel a hand on one of my breasts. Remind me of how we got here. Asking myself whether or not I regret the man buried in the sheets next to me. Feeling good, even though I got drunk yesterday. Ask me if I'm ashamed. To decide in all soul and conscience that no. After all sex is good for the morale, the body, and many other things. Studies prove it. Watching with a mental magnifying glass every feeling that crosses me. Breathe a little better because I feel good. I feel good ? Yes, apart from that aftertaste of alcohol on my tongue.

I needed someone beside me tonight.

Sigh of relief. Finally I was not so drunk since I wake up without a headache. Take your hand off and get out of bed. Wash and dress myself then get out of the shower, fresh and rested. Everything I thought I felt for Jimmy that night was because of the alcohol. It made me spin my head and misinterpret things. Maybe I'm subconsciously trying to sabotage her marriage because I don't want to be alone. And now that I don't see him, I think of him calmly. My heart is no longer racing. I feel better. Yesterday has passed. The past is the past.

The day starts very well.

It's time for Sleeping Beauty to leave. I nudge him with my toe and he mutters incomprehensible words before walking away and ending up on my side of the bed. I go around the bed and nudge him again with the tip of my foot like a hunter checking that his prey is indeed dead.

"If you push me again, I'll throw you into bed and we'll start over everything we did last night," he said, his voice drowned out by the pillows on his face.

"I don't mean to sound rude, but it's time you got out of my house.

He gets rid of the pillows and finally opens his eyes. If he is beautiful on a football field, when he jumps out of bed he is downright hot. I try to relax my face so he can understand that I'm being polite but completely serious. He sits on the bed to yawn in turn like a bear coming out of a long hibernation.

"I've met some strange girls in my life, but you beat all the records. We spent the night together, not at war. Why do you react like that in the morning?

"Because I got what I wanted and I'm very grateful to you, but now you have to go because I have things to do.

"You could at least make me some breakfast… I'm dying. You've drained all my energy.

He tries to bribe me with a rogue smile that must wreak havoc on the fairer sex. I burst out laughing, it's not really the kind of thing that works with me. A breakfast? But where does the guy think he is? In the hotel ?

"Did I say something funny?

"No, I'm just figuring out how men feel when a girl they just wanted to have is clinging to them. It's not a pretty sight.

Rather than being upset, he bursts out laughing in turn then gets up to put on his underpants and pants. Shirtless, concrete abs outside, he approaches me. This guy has a fucking amazing body.

“Did I do something wrong?” he asks, rubbing his eyes to wake up better.

"No, you were perfect last night. But now it's daylight so get dressed and get out the door."

He stares at me for a long moment before throwing his hands in the air in surrender. It must be a tic with him because he does it often. A few minutes later, he is ready to leave. I accompany him to his car under the more than intrigued gaze of three of my neighbors. It's three, it's the worst in the neighborhood. I nicknamed them; riri, fifi and loulou. Once they told everyone that I don't live from the work done in the garage but rather from the money that men give me when I sleep with them.

"I guess we'll see each other at practice...

"No, I won't come anymore.

" Because of me ?

"I came there to relax but given your attitude, I prefer to change the place of relaxation.

"You're too cash for my poor heart.

" It must be so.

"So I'm not leaving until I have another date with you.

" Nope.

"I'm inviting you, you just have to come back. I promise I won't ask you to cook for me. We can have a movie, a restaurant, a club, whatever you want.

" No thanks.

"Okay, how you want to play it like that.

He walks away from his car and sits in front of my door, on the floor. He takes his phone out of his pocket, taps it without bothering about me. But what is his problem? I thought men didn't like "endearing" girls. So I retrace my steps. My neighbors haven't moved an inch. They look at me and whisper to each other. They must be having fun there. I wonder how they interpret the situation. This very evening, the whole neighborhood will know that I took another man to my house. I haven't done that for a long time. They will all have enough to criticize me for at least a month with the bullshit of William who does not want to go away.

"Well, what's the problem?

"Nothing. We had a good evening, didn't we?

I cross my arms and stamp my feet impatiently. He insists that I answer. I roll my eyes, annoyed. Her stomach rumbles. He makes a face, contrite to reveal by this noise how often he is hungry. He wasn't lying when he said he was hungry. I feel like a real pain in the ass now.

"Then give me another one. With or without sex, I don't care, I just want another night with you."

I sigh and pretend to think for a moment.

"Okay. I'll call you when I'm free.

"Here! As you can see, it was very simple.

He gets up and pats his buttocks to remove the dust and extends his hand to me. I take it.

" Manuella you really take me for an idiot huh. You don't even have my phone number.

We both laugh heartily. It almost worked, I almost got rid of him.

"I'll find your number so pick up when I call. Promise?

I shrug my shoulders. I no longer have the strength to quibble, he just has to do what he wants. He looks up and looks at my neighbors who still haven't left their class.

“Do they often do that?

" Oh yeah !

"Do you want us to give them a little show?

"No thank you it will be fine.

This time, I do not accompany him to his car. I just lean against my wall. While he is doing a manoeuvre, one of the neighbors approaches the low wall that separates our two courtyards.

"Hey honey, is that your new guy?

I know why she cares about him. He's a handsome boy, apparently full of money, given the car he drives so she wonders how I managed to put him in my bed. I think that in their group of brainless, she is the one I support the least. I don't even have time to answer him when William sticks his head out of his car and shouts loudly for everyone to hear.

"Yes oh, I'm her new guy. See you in the next episode.

Once out of sight at home, I can finally sigh. William is a man full of surprises after all. My phone on the table vibrates. I have received a message. I know it must be Jimmy. He saw me leave with William last night. I also know that he can't bear to see me act like this. He doesn't understand the need I sometimes have to be with someone, even if it's just for sex. It's a way to drown loneliness in the body of the other, to clear your head to start off on the right foot. Unlike many other women, for me there is nothing sacred in sex.

I am not ready to read what he wrote to me. I open the cupboards in my small kitchen and take out everything I need for breakfast: tea, toast and sugar. Then I take the butter and liquid milk out of the fridge. Once my belly is weighted, I consult my whatsapp. I actually received messages from Jimmy throughout my night. He sent me photos of women's feet in front of which my shoes are placed. At first I don't understand the link between these feet and my shoes. It is only when I read his last message that everything becomes clear.

“Cinderella, the prince has invited all the princesses of the village to find the owner of these glass slippers. You were missing. »

I put the phone down without answering him. Does he know that the prince is supposed to marry the princess? He must know it. No one is better versed than Jimmy in general culture. So what is he playing? I thought it was the booze that had me delirious last night.

I fill in the payslips in the machine, print them and sign them. I have just finished all the administrative work for the month and I don't know what to do with my hands. So I open youtube and watch some of the videos that Jimmy and I filmed for him. There are plenty of messages from women asking him when he will post another video. If his account is so successful it is because he also offers tips for cooking quickly and well. The working moms love it and let him know. I like to hear our laughter in the background. Even if you don't see me on any of the videos, I'm sure that without me it wouldn't be the same.

My office door opens on Patrick and his now white hair and Edmond who has been working for me for a year now. I close the video and focus on what I have to do.

“Hi grandpa, I happily throw to Patrick.

"Stop calling me that. I'm coming to collect my pay.

"Hi boss," Edmond said, sitting down on one of the free chairs in front of my desk while Patrick remained standing.

Normally, he should already be retiring and taking it easy somewhere. But he is a man who is not used to remaining without working, without occupying his hands. I also suspect him of staying to watch over me. I believe that after Jimmy, Patrick is the person who really knows me. Unlike Jimmy, he saw me suffer and then rise from my ashes.

As soon as there are more than two people in the office, we quickly suffocate. I'm going to have to think about installing an air conditioner. I'll buy some when there are deals on it. Finally, the room is more like a storage room than a real office. It was on Jimmy's advice that I fitted it out. Everything is minimalist and sober, steel gray with touches of black. I hand Patrick his report card along with the accompanying check. He signs it, pockets the check. I make a copy of the bulletin that I put in my accounting binder and return the original to him. Edmond waits patiently for his. I take a deep breath to prepare myself to say what I'm going to say.

"Edmond, don't you owe me something by any chance?

"Not to my knowledge chief? I paid you back the little credit you gave me last time.

No matter how much I asked him not to call me that, he still continues. But anyway, it will stop today.

"One of my very good customers called me the last time to tell me that you offered to fix his car at his place for half the price I offer at the garage. His driver took the car and since you didn't know him, you offered him the deal and you went to fix it at his house. Except that he knew that you had pocketed the money yourself, that you didn't work for me.

His eyes widen in shock. It was Patrick who made me realize that some of the spare parts I charge for repairs were missing from the storeroom. When I pulled out the diagnostic sheet from my client's car, the missing parts matched the repairs his car needed. I quickly made the connection. That he has an entrepreneurial spirit and decides to start a min garage outside his working hours is still okay, but that he steals my parts and my customers… Oh no. And yet I had complete confidence in him, he always came on time, worked well and never complained about the overtime imposed on us by certain customers on holidays.

"You owe me respect Edmond. That's what you owe me.

“But chief. Let me explain. I was going to pay off the coins.

"I think we'll stop there. I'll give you your last check. You take your things and get out of my garage.

"Chief, don't do that," he stutters, not realizing that he's gone to familiarity. I have a young child, I can't afford to lose my job. end of month.

It seems that women should be put more often at the head of companies. It seems that they are more sensitive to the suffering of employees, more attentive, more competent, less difficult and that they ask for less money to do all that. It also seems that a woman who does not apologize for deciding in the heart of the matter, without feeling, without taking the gloves off, seems more unfriendly than a man making the same decision. A woman must have this round character that does not offend anyone. It should not show too much ambition. But that's "it seems". Because I am a woman but my character matches my features, without concession.

"I could have asked Patrick to fire you. But I didn't want you to think that I was slipping away and that I couldn't do it myself. This garage is all I have. You think? that we have fun with the only treasure we have? I called some of the customers who had no longer come to do their repairs at my place when they had an appointment and there are three others who called me They said the same thing. Which means that in a year, you've already stolen I don't know how many parts to do repairs on your own. What would you have done in my place?

"A new chance. I ask for a new chance. It won't happen again.

" Well, luckily you're not in my place. Take your things. And thank you for this fruitful collaboration.

They both leave and I press play to watch old videos of Jimmy. I get a notification that he just uploaded a new video that I'm not on. I don't know what hurts me the most. To see that he continues quietly without me or to see that he continues with another.

The broom closet is too cramped for both of us. But he pulled me there bluntly and forcing us to whisper in low voices to settle our accounts. Everyone is in the living room watching a football game and we are packed like sardines in a box. I knew that by coming to this evening I would have a 50% chance of meeting him there. But I needed to get out of my head to get all the negative things that are invading my life right now. Why didn't I just stay home?

"I don't understand how you can be so brave and so fearful at the same time.

" What are you talking about ?

"Why are you avoiding me?

"I'm not avoiding you, I'm busy.

" What to do ?

"I have a job, I'll let you know.

" Me too and yet we always knew how to see each other despite that. Now I have to corner you in a broom cupboard so that we can talk to each other.

" Things change…

I hear him sigh. It's too dark in here for me to see the expression on his face clearly. Her perfume invaded the whole space. My heart is pounding again. Bloody traitor.

"I've been the most patient man in the world. But apparently… You don't give a fuck. Every time you do some stupid shit to get me away from you and you do an even bigger one so that I come to your rescue. And each time I come back. Grow up a little fucking. I did everything not to frighten you, to make you understand that you have nothing to fear, that I don't judge you, I take you as you are, but you let all these men use you...

"I'll arrest you right now. No one is using me.

"I saw you leave with William. Did you sleep with him?

To someone else, I would have said without hesitation "It's none of your business". But at Jimmy, I can't. So I don't answer.

"Why are you doing this now?

"What? What are you talking about…

“All these innuendos you throw in my face without ever saying things clearly. Why are you only saying it now that you're getting married? You turned five… And you didn't do anything. And now you've become the king of subliminal messages. Don't you wonder why?

"Because I have a life choice to make and I wanted to be sure I made the right choice.

“There is only one right choice. And you already know it.

I vividly remember the very first time he took me to his house. It was for the end of young festival of the month of Ramadan. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I couldn't find my place in the kitchen so I helped buy the drinks with the men. I did the best I could, but Jimmy's mom didn't mind letting her son know I wasn't welcome. They spoke in tongues but I understood everything by deciphering the thousand and one emotions that were reflected on the face of his son. He never took me again and I never brought this story up again.

I know what it is to not be wanted by a family. It's the kind of thing that slowly kills you, eats you up inside. It's out of the question for me to get back into it. Even for him. If for five years he didn't have the courage to tell me he loved me when we were only two, he won't know when his whole family is involved.

The silence stretches between us. We hear the voices of people entering the kitchen to stock up on cold drinks.

"Do you know where Dupont and Dupond went?

"Who is Dupont and Dupond?

“Bah Jimmy and Manu. They are always stuck together.

"Ah okay. No I haven't seen them.

"Do you think there's something going on between them?

“No why? They are just friends I think.

" Friendship between a man and a woman does not exist. At least it does not last as long. There is always one who ends up falling in love and ruining everything. When we are friends, we forgive each other much more easily bullshit. If you promised your best friend money and you don't give it to her. She'll tell you it's okay. But if you do the same with the girl you're dating , she'll heat some oil at night to pour this on you.

As soon as they leave, Jimmy resumes our conversation.

"I didn't talk about it because I was afraid of ruining everything. You are independent and strong and you earn a lot more money than me. I wanted to have all the chances on my side before telling you… J I was waiting for a sign from you or even from God. And all of a sudden this wedding thing came to turn everything upside down. Maybe that's the sign I was looking for. But I can't know that it's a sign that if you answer my question.

You hear someone shouting my name in the distance and the whole neighborhood echoes the cries from the living room. A team has surely scored a goal.

“We have to get out of there, the others will end up looking for us.

I turn my back on it and push the door gently so it doesn't squeak. Jimmy rests his forehead on the back of my neck and his hand on my stomach. I freeze because with this simple gesture he gives me so many strange sensations that I don't even know how to react. Then he whispers:

" Do you love me ?

Here we are. With guys like William, I have nothing to lose. With guys like William, I'm not close enough to allow them to hurt me. With guys like William, there's no work to do on yourself. And that's why I let guys like William through my life.

But with Jimmy, it will be quits or double. Is the game really worth the candle?

To be continued....