I didn't think it was possible that he could stare at a woman so intently and forget that I'm right by his side. He let go of my hand, as if caught in the act of deception. I see surprise in his eyes and understand that it's been a long time since he saw her. He hadn't expected her to have changed so much. He looks stunned by her natural beauty. I have trouble swallowing my saliva but I recover quickly, batting my eyelashes to find my usual arrogance. Jimmy has always been a fan of beautiful women.

"I think your beauty has just shut him down. Jimmy! We're blocking the way, I'll let you know.

He opens the door and we enter without wasting any more time. The place is welcoming and well decorated. It's the kind of place Jimmy loves because seedy bars aren't his thing. Unlike him, the places are a bit hushed and stuffy, I never managed to get used to it. Firstly because it's often too expensive and I hate emptying my pockets for food and secondly because people always tend to look at me curiously when I walk into Jimmy's arms. We sit near the entrance. A good smell of freshly baked pastries floats in the air. The customers present chat happily among themselves. After our orders and an awkward silence, I decide to take the plunge for him, just to break the ice.

"Hello Zeina, I'm Manu, a friend of Jimmy's, I say to him, extending my hand in a friendly way.

" Nice to meet you.

"Me too. I won't be staying long. I'm having my tea and leaving you alone, don't worry.

"Oh I don't mind you being here. You know it's been years since we last saw Jimmy and me. I'm a little intimidated.

I turn to the concerned one as he diligently stirs his too-sweetened coffee without paying any attention to us. To believe that it was me who brought him here without warning him. What is he playing?

“I think he too is a little intimidated.

"It's that he hasn't changed then, she says with a little laugh in her throat, all that is most adorable. He was always reserved when we were little.

"That's the old Jimmy. Version 2.0 is quite capable of being charming with women when he wants to, I add, nudging Jimmy so that he raises his head.

He doesn't react and dunks his croissant in his coffee before chewing it diligently. Ok. I clear my throat, look for a useful topic of conversation that might bring Jimmy out of this unusual reserve.

“Tell me a bit about yourself Zeina, I hope there is not a boyfriend who will come and knock us out if he finds us with you.

"No, I've never had one," she replies candidly. "Boyfriends aren't really the kind of my family. We skip this step and we get married.

"So Jimmy's on your husband list?

"My list? Oh, that's not how it goes. I only have my dad and an older sister, they'll decide.

She plays the game and we both chat happily like old friends. I discover that she is a distant cousin of Jimmy, that she is 22 years old and that she has just finished her higher education in a field that I do not know. She is a fan of make-up and European cuisine. She gives me a compliment on my very original haircut and I don't know what to hate about her. Especially since Jimmy doesn't make it easy for him by keeping silent. I can see that she is trying to do well, not to say too much or too little.

When my phone tells me it's 8:30 a.m., I wave to Jimmy that I have to leave. I have a long day of work ahead of me. He gets up to walk me home even though I didn't ask him anything. I apologize to Zeina who gives me a kiss and asks me for my phone number before wishing me a good day. This girl is a pearl.

Once in front of my car, a small Toyota Carina retyped by me, I let my anger explode.

"You really are a big jerk. What are you playing at?

" To nothing.

He adds nothing but I feel him angry, without really understanding why. I take it upon myself and try to be the most responsible of the two of us. Usually I'm the one sulking like a baby and he's the adult.

"Then talk to her. She came for you, I'll remind you. She's beautiful, intelligent, kind, virgin, veiled. What more do you want?

"What you just said is so retrograde that I don't even know how to answer you.

"I thought that was what you Muslims liked.

" What are we still there? It's now you Muslims! Haven't you understood anything during all these years?

“What I understood is that the one your mother chose for you corresponds perfectly to your feminine ideal.

"You don't even know her. How can you know if she matches my feminine ideal.

“The little I discovered today would please any man.

He stuffs his hands in his pockets and stares into the distance, leaning against my car door. That's all Jimmy, deciding I can't leave yet and blocking the way. Then he opens his mouth and looks me straight in the eye as if he was going to tell me the biggest secret of the century but seems to change his mind as quickly as he had decided.

"What are you intimidated? You think she's too good for you? Think again. She'll never find a guy like you. She's the lucky one to have you. Her. So stay you- same and it's in the pocket.

"It's not about that.

"It will save your mother from having to continue to hate me. I may not know her but you I know you and she corresponds perfectly to your usual conquests. To wonder if it is not her that you were unconsciously looking for .

"Where do you get that from?

“Look me in the eye and tell me she doesn’t look like your exes, plus the veil of course!

He looks down because he knows I'm telling the truth. I hug him tightly and inhale his familiar scent. He takes his hands out of his pockets and hugs me. I always feel good when I'm in his arms. I feel strong and happy when I'm in his arms. I whisper against his chest, the back of my mind. I prefer to tell him before he does.

"We have to turn the page. Anyway, we knew it would happen one day. You want a wife, children, the whole thing. And I'm not interested in all that. I don't want to be your children, you know that the children hate me and that I am afraid of them. I will be nothing but a burden that your wife will find unbearable when I call you to make a youtube video or that we dancing at the Club à Louis, and I can't even blame him for that.

He bursts out laughing and I take the opportunity this time to slip away. I don't want to see him go back to that bakery.

He's been trying to see me for a month. I pretend each time something super important to do, work to catch up in the garage, suppliers to pay, customers to help. I also have news from Zeina. She sends me from time to time messages on whatsapp to tell me about her days and her discoveries. I try to explain to him how Libreville works, the places not to frequent, where to find good deals on girly things. Somewhere deep inside me, I know I don't do this without a second thought. It's a roundabout way to hear from Jimmy. They have seen each other five times already and she never stops praising him.

Today, she asked me to dedicate my afternoon to her. I don't know how to refuse so I say yes. We meet at the Lycee Leon Mba beach to drink coconut water and watch people swim in water in which I will not even bathe my imaginary dog.

“Why do I feel like if I want to win her heart I have to please you and not her mother?” she asks me bluntly.

"You give me more importance than I have. For Jimmy, his mother is sacred, I respond by opening my coco to eat the flesh.

"Maybe. Maybe not. Can I ask you an indiscreet question?"

I turn to her and try to read her intentions in her eyes. I really want to tell him that all his questions are indiscreet but I hold back.

" Go ahead.

" What does it do ?

" What ?

"To be apart, to look like no one but yourself, to depend on no one... Me, I feel like you can find thousands of versions of me. But you, I don't I had never met a girl like you before. When Jimmy told me that you ran a garage, I couldn't believe my ears. My older sister is like that too, a non-conformist. But I like the fact of let myself be guided by my father. And afterwards, it will be by my husband. My sister says that I'm stupid. That I didn't have all these diplomas to find myself under the control of a man.

Besides, she hasn't even worn the veil since she left. But I am not like her and she has always been contemptuous towards me and my beliefs. But you seem cool, so let me ask you.

I dare not tell him the bottom of my thoughts. I dare not tell her that I will barter this freedom for her diplomas and her beauty. This freedom, I did not claim it, at least not consciously. She fell on me when I found myself alone. She crushed me with all her weight leaving me injured on the side of the road. It was to survive that I had to tame it. Because I didn't want her to eat me whole. I left the school benches too early and no man would have supported me by paying to sleep with me. I did not have the choice. Too proud to beg, not beautiful enough to be married, too stupid for office work where you need a diploma and the ability to write flawlessly.

I was not free to be whoever I wanted. No, I was free to starve. I had to grow up and fully assert myself. And here when you give orders to a man, you better not let yourself be intimidated when he does not want to obey you. But how could a woman like her understand that? The privilege of beautiful women is not having to walk in the shoes of ordinary women.

So I answer with as much sincerity as possible.

"Being apart is fun until others reject you for what you can't help being.

To be continued.....