“Have you talked to him yet?” Brooklyn asked me two days later, her left eyebrow quirked to emphasize her impatience.

“I have, yes,” I sighed. My thoughts immediately ripped from my job to the incredibly tense text conversation I’d had with Kenny.

It wasn’t tense on his part. It was me. I’d been so terrified he’d blank me that I’d barely been able to even pick up my phone when he texted me back. I’d sent him a text to say hello the morning after I’d talked with Brooklyn about finding a guy.

“And?” She pushed me to answer, her body now closer to mine. “Tell me already, Nic!”

“We’re going out tonight.” I turned away from her and back to the shelf in the library, where I’d been busy putting books away before she barged in to browbeat me.

I didn’t want her to see the pleased grin on my face or the way my cheeks blossomed with hints of red. I could feel the heat and knew I was doing something I hated. Why did I have to blush all the time? It drove me crazy, but I couldn’t help it.

“Girl! You couldn’t text me and tell me? I’ve been busy, I know, but come on now! I’m your best friend! Where are you going?” Her words went from affront to curiosity so quick it made my head spin.

“I wanted to be sure he didn’t cancel, and we’re going to that dance club, Bar 21.” I flicked a glance behind me to make sure there wasn’t anyone at the checkout desk that needed me and turned back to her. “I plan on having a few drinks and then I’ll ask him to take me back to his place.”

“On the first date?” Brooklyn, not a naïve young woman by any measure, stared at me in surprise. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“Well, all I want to do is get it over with, you know? I’m going to leave here soon enough and leave all of this behind me. I don’t want to start a relationship I just want to get rid of it.” I stressed the last word, even though she knew what I wanted to get rid of.

“I’m still not sure it’s a good idea, Nic. I mean, I kind of know the guy, but not really.” She looked at me and I could see she was concerned, but she could also see that I wasn’t. She gave in with a dramatic sigh. “Fine, but at least make sure you have condoms with you. Don’t let him do anything with you until he had one on. Maybe two.”

“Wouldn’t two just strangle his… ahem, you know what?” I couldn’t look at her as I whispered the question.

“Girl, if you can’t even say the words for genitalia, how are you going to actually have sex with him?” She looked kind of miffed and I had to admit, she had a point.

“I can if I need to, but it’s here, you know?” I whispered to her; my head close to hers. “It’s like being in church.”

“I get you.” She grinned, her pale eyes sparkling. “It’s not church, but it’s school, so you feel like it’s sacred or something.”

“Yes, exactly.” I turned back to the trolley, still full of books, and took a deep breath. “I bought a new to me dress from Second Time Around.”

“That new consignment store over on Main? I heard they have good stuff.” She plucked at a book on the trolley and read the spine before she put it back. “Well, keep your phone on and text me if you need anything. Anything at all.”

She looked back up at me, the twitch of her lips a clue that she was pleased for me. Then it became a full-blown grin, and she hurriedly hugged me. “Have fun, okay? I’ll be over at Stuart’s; he’s doing a new painting of me, but I can leave at any time.”

“Thanks.” I glanced back at the checkout desk again and then turned back to her. “I’ll call you when I’m back at the dorm.”

“You aren’t staying the night with him?” Brooklyn’s surprise was evident as she stopped in the process of turning to leave.

“I don’t know. I might. Either way, I’ll text you.” I assured her and she nodded.

“Cool. Have fun, girl.” She gave a wave of her hand, her nails tipped with sapphire blue polish with silver glitter on the tips.

I turned away, wondering if I should stop at the nail salon on my way home to change? I was supposed to meet Kenny at 8, so I probably wouldn’t have time. We didn’t plan to go out to eat or see a movie. I think I’d made it clear I just wanted to have a good time.

I thought about the texts we’d exchanged so far. I’d said hello, told him who I was, and after a half-hour or so, he’d responded with a grinning emoji and a waving hand emoji.

He knew who I was, which was a relief, and yeah, he’d love to go out sometime. What did I have in mind, he’d asked, and I could all but hear the curiosity ooze from the message.

I’d sent a wink emoji, a kiss emoji, and then I’d said I just wanted to have some fun before my university days were over. I’d asked if he was up for it, trying to be provocative, which had made me blush furiously, but I’d done it.

Since then we’d exchanged quite a few heated messages, but we hadn’t met up. I’d wanted to have the next day off before I met him, so I could recover in peace if I needed that. He’d agreed, and tonight was the night.

I finished at the library at 6 and ran home to shower, dry my hair, and put on some makeup. I didn’t put on much, mainly eyeliner and some lipstick, I knew dancing would only work up a sweat, so didn’t bother going overboard. I put my hair up in a ponytail with a few thin braids to make it look interesting, and then stepped into the dress. It was a tiny little black thing that hugged every one of my curves.

I’d been surprised when I put it on and saw myself in it. It came down to mid-thigh, with thin black straps over my shoulders to hold the top up. I looked grown up in it, like a shapely woman that could hold someone’s attention. A man’s attention. Kenny’s, I hoped. I stared into the mirror on the back of the door in the small room.

I saw a woman on the verge of something that would change her life. There was excitement in her eyes, nervousness in the twist of her lips, hope in the way she breathed. I looked ready for anything and fully able to handle it.

Luckily, the word ‘virgin’ wasn’t typed in bold red letters across my forehead. There was no indication of it in anything about my appearance and I decided that I looked… good. With a smile, I picked up my bag and dropped my phone, some money, my wallet, and the box of condoms I’d bought at the pharmacy into it. One last deep breath and I slipped my feet into a pair of long, black leather boots. I pulled my knee-length black wool coat on, grabbed my keys, and left the room.

I was nervous, very nervous, but I walked tall and upright out to the parking area. I got into my small, black hatchback car and drove in the direction of the club. I didn’t plan on drinking too much and had money for a taxi if I changed my mind.

I got to the club, parked in a well-lit area, and walked up to the door. A bouncer stopped me, checked my ID, stamped my hand, took the cover charge from me, and opened the velvet rope that barred the door.

I walked into a large room lit with pink, purple, and blue spotlights. Loud music blared from speakers dotted around the space, loud enough that I could feel the bass in my body. I kind of liked it. I spun around, looking for Kenny, but I didn’t see him. It was only a few minutes after 8, so I figured he was just running late.

“Hi, can I have a rum and Coke please?” I held my hand out to the barman that looked me over with a pleased smile so that he could see the stamp on my hand that told him I was old enough to purchase alcohol. The bar wasn’t anywhere near full yet, so he came back quickly with my drink. I paid him and left with a smile on my face to walk to one of the booths on the right side of the large, open space.

It was basically a huge warehouse with a dance floor to the left, pool tables and booths on the right. I sat down in an empty booth, the dark blue leather cool as I slid along the seat. My foot began to tap as I sipped slowly at my drink.

Minutes passed, but the door didn’t open. Inspiration hit, and I thought that maybe I’d come to the wrong bar. I searched in my bag and found my phone to check. I scrolled through the messages until I found the right section.

No, this was the right bar and I also knew that Kenny hadn’t messaged me. It was 8:30 now, and still no sign of Kenny. I thought about texting Brooklyn to ask her what I was supposed to do but decided to wait. I pushed a lock of my long dark hair off my shoulder as embarrassment made my blood boil and looked around, my eyes wide.

I didn’t see him.

The door opened and a group of people came in, but none of them were Kenny. The group was happy and joined a couple that had quietly been playing pool in another corner of the bar. I looked down at my drink, all but melted ice now, and sighed heavily.

I think I’ve been stood up.

I waited another half hour and when Kenny didn’t show up or contact me, I decided to leave. I didn’t think I’d been stood up now, I knew it. I don’t know what happened, but I suspected I knew who did.

I don’t know how she’d have found out, but I had a feeling Amanda was behind this. It might be stupid of me, but I couldn’t help but come straight to that conclusion. Somehow, Amanda had found out about my date and ruined it.

With as much dignity as I could muster, I got up from the booth, gathered my bag, and went out to my car. By that point, I was too angry to cry. Kenny had bailed on me without an explanation. I glanced at my black bag in the passenger seat and wondered if I should bother to text him. Maybe he was in the hospital, or sick in bed?

I screwed my face up and tried to decide and finally reached for my phone. I typed quickly and put the phone down on my lap. I’d wait, just in case he said he was on his way, but after five minutes, there’d been no response. I nodded to myself, started the car, and drove away.

The night was ruined. I could have hung around the bar, waited for a guy to come up to me, and maybe saved the night, but I wasn’t that brave. Or stupid, it depended on how you looked at it. It all boiled down to me not being desperate enough to put myself out there like that.

I parked back at the dorms and got out of the car. I could see from the car that our dorm room was dark. Our room faced out onto the parking area at the front of the building and I could see that Brooklyn wasn’t in.

I’d have to talk to her at some point, tell her that I’d been stood up, but shame crashed over me the moment I parked the car. It wasn’t even worth a phone call to break the date. I’d wanted nothing more than to lose my virginity, but I couldn’t do that because it would seem I’m completely un-fuckable.

I got out of the car, my shoulders slumped and headed back to the room I shared with my BFF. I didn’t want to admit it, but this really hurt. It shouldn’t, but it did. I glared at the doors to the building before I turned around and headed down to a little shop at the corner of the dorm building. I bought a pint of chocolate brownie ice cream, a pack of microwave popcorn, and a big bag of nachos.

Indulging in junk food wasn’t something I normally did, but I wanted to drown my sorrows in bad food and a movie that would distract me so that I wouldn’t cry like a baby. I let myself into the dorm room, dropped my purse by my twin bed, and flopped down on the mattress covered with blue and green sheets and a comforter that matched. I’d bought them because they looked cheerful and happy, something I thought I’d need while I studied for my last year of school.

They didn’t work to cheer me up now, but I hoped the junk food and a movie would. I opened the movie app I used on my laptop and scrolled through to find a comedy movie. I pressed play, changed into my pajamas, wiped my face clean with a face wipe, and put my laptop on the bedside table that spanned between our two beds.

I knew that I was trying to ignore the humiliation I felt, and tomorrow, I’d talk to Brooklyn, but right now, I just needed to let myself not think. She would comfort me, I knew that, but I also knew her comfort would break the dam I’d built around my emotions. I’d learned to bottle up my emotions, to hide behind a façade, over the years of Amanda’s bullying campaign.

I knew I shouldn’t do things like that, but I couldn’t help it. It was either that, or I’d spend every single day in tears, and that’s not what I was about at all. I pushed my thoughts aside, put my headphones on, and let an old comedy take me into a completely different world. I fell asleep with an empty tub of ice cream and an empty bag of chips on the table beside me. I didn’t care, sleep brought me the peace I needed, tomorrow I’d throw the bag away. And deal with whatever this whole fucked up night was about.