#Chapter7

Ten minutes into my run I spot a familiar dirt path and speed towards it. Soon I'm face to face with the sunflower fields I go to whenever I want to be alone. I shift and walk to the only tree in the entire field. I pulled out a pair of clothes I always keep in the tree trunk and got dressed before sitting down. This is the only place other than with my family that I feel somewhat alive anymore. I feel close to my mate when I'm here because this is the place she comes to me in my dreams, but also like the end of my dreams when she runs away from me the field is empty and screaming with silence.

Though I'm always alone here, the scent of the flowers, the fresh damp grass and the rich soil that fills my nose gives me comfort. Thoughts of my mate fill my mind once more. I close my eyes and picture her with big shining eyes, a beaming smile and beautiful silky hair falling in her face. I picture her arms wrapped around me as we hold each other tightly never wanting to let each other go. I see her eyes staring at me with love and devotion, her lips stretched into a huge smile showing off straight white teeth. I see us having kids and grandkids in the future and growing old together.

I smile to myself and open my eyes only to find myself alone yet again. I snort and shake my head as tears fill my eyes against my will, I blink them back. I hate this. I hate feeling numb, I hate feeling alone and I hate the pain that consumes my body. I hate that my mate might see me as a monster and reject me.

Rejection!

The thought immediately came to me, what if she has already rejected me. I mean it's been four years. I saw her and she saw me. Her wolf must have acknowledged me as her mate and I saw realization in her eyes before she ran so she knew who I was and yet she left.

My mate has left me

At that thought the first sob breaks out and I find myself sobbing silently into my hands over the loss of the love I never found. I sob out the pain I know will consume me in seconds after I stop crying. I sob for all the shitty hands life has dealt me, why do I have to go through this much pain. I feel a push on the mental barrier I put up but I ignore it. I know I have to go back soon since everyone is expecting me but I just want to stay here forever.

Sometimes I wonder if all the people I've killed, especially Ke'shaun and Kevin, are watching me crying like a little boy lost in a crowd of strangers as they smile in triumph saying to themselves that I deserve this.

I feel whoever is trying to reach me continues to push into my mind, I drop the wall and open up my mind link only to hear Jermaine's voice.

"Sorry to disrupt your alone time kiddo but i was waiting on you at the pack house and you haven't returned as yet and your mom is asking for you"

"Sorry to make you wait, go on ahead I'll meet you at the house" i tell him

"Ok I'll see you there be careful on your way back" he says before i shut the link between us

Standing up I took one last look at the field then turned and walked away. As I drag myself towards my house I feel a sudden burst of determination to keep moving and be strong, filling me up. But as soon as it comes, it's gone in the wind when Xavier begins howling again. If I feel like this I don't even want to imagine what he's going through. A wolf needs their mate to be complete, a wolf without a mate is just a lost soul searching for a meaning; for its missing piece, which is basically what we're doing now.

I don't know how much longer Xavier can hold out, a few times a day I feel a crippling pain go through my chest and I know it's him giving up the fight, he's losing hope just like I am. In the beginning of all this it was Xavier who made me strong. He encouraged me to keep my head up and walk ahead, not to lose hope because our mate is out there. He would talk to me about how amazing our mate will be and how happy our life will turn out, whenever loneliness was pulling me down Xavier would be there to drag me back up. I would never admit it out loud mainly because it would break my mother's heart but there were days when I thought of taking the easy way out of this pain-filled life but immediately Xavier would fill my head with thoughts of how happy we'll be once we found our mate.

Well, all that was four years ago and now we're both in pain.

Now the person who motivates me is my mom. She more than anyone understands my pain since she feels it, literally. But nonetheless she keeps telling me to keep up my faith, a faith that is dwindling in my heart. A heart that has long been broken, pulled in all directions and shattered everytime i wake up from my dreams. Even so, mom thinks i shouldn't give up hope, that i shouldn't settle for just being a mate-less wolf and that one day I'll find my mate and finally be happy.

I listen to her because she knows my pain and she's always there to comfort me when I wake up in sweat and tears from my tormented dreams. Most days only she sees the pain in my eyes and the sadness beneath my smile. She's been through a lot in her life and still came out on top and now she's happy with the man she loves. So if after all she's been through and still got her happy ending I had decided to take her advice and keep holding on in hopes that I’ll get mine, but after this trip i don't know if i can still do that.

As I approach my home I see multiple silhouettes on the porch. I hasten my steps to reach the gate in a few short minutes. As soon as I was in view my mom was the first one to spot me.

"Al!!" She shouts running towards me

She runs from the porch as I enter through the gate and as soon as she reaches arm’s length she throws herself at me. Catching her in my arms I feel warmth and happiness spread through my body the way it always does when she hugs me.

"Mom careful you could have hurt yourself and the baby" i say pointing to her protruding stomach

At only six months and she's as huge as a whale, not that I'd tell her that though I learnt from Jermaine's mistake.