Zander’s POV

So, therapy wasn’t so bad yesterday after all. But I’m still not happy about being ambushed. I know my dad had something to do with a few of the women being there. Last night at dinner he couldn’t stop grinning at me. It was like the devil possessed him. He’s been acting weird this morning too, so he must have something up his sleeve.

I spent all morning trying to get him back for feeding me to the wolves. My dad and I have had this ongoing battle of doing mean shit to each other since I was a kid. It’s sort of our screwed-up way of showing we love each other. He and my mom have been trying to have sex for over a week now, and I keep doing things to stop it. My dad is so sexually frustrated he can’t see straight.

Last night before bed, I made a burner email and kept sending porn to him on a loop. He was ranting for about an hour before he figured out what was going on. My mom’s pissed because she thought my dad was watching webcam girls on his phone.

I know he didn’t get laid because he’s been an ass all morning. When I went to make coffee this morning, it looked like he was sleeping on the couch again.

Dad just walked into the kitchen looking like hell. I’m hiding my smile behind a coffee cup, and I wonder how long I can go without busting out laughing.

“Morning, pops. Coffee?”

“Shut up, you little bastard.”

“Something wrong? You seem a little on edge?”

“I know it was you, shithead. I’m getting fucking blue balls.” My dad passed me, grabbing a coffee cup.

“Mom doesn’t like it when you curse. You’re not setting a particularly good example for me when you call me bad names.”

“Are you shitting me, right now?”

I just shrugged innocently and about to break down laughing. He is so pissed off.

“Help me make your mother breakfast.”

“Okay. Eggs and bacon or pancakes.”

“Chocolate chip waffles,” he said, sighing in frustration.

“Damn, Dad. What did you do? That’s your go-to when you really screw up.”

He is glaring at me now. I can’t help it. I’m laughing so hard I can barely hold myself up with the island bar. His face is priceless.

“Laugh it up, asshole. I’m going to go watch the game on TV. You fix breakfast. Oh, by the way... here’s your phone. You may want to check your messages.” He passes it to me with an evil grin.

I didn’t even realize my phone was missing. Oh shit. What did he do?

I grab my phone and look over my messages, knowing he's up to something.

Mother fucker! He messaged every girl on my phone telling them I have an STD and they should get checked.

My dad just left the room laughing his ass off. “Checkmate, you little shit.”

After fixing mom’s breakfast and calling every girl on my phone to let them know it was a prank, I am finally sitting down watching the game with my dad.

Nonchalantly, my mom walks in with Fluffy and it looks like she changed his hat. He has a little top hat on now, looking dapper, and Mom is petting him like a dog. She must have found the bag of tiny hats I bought him.

My dad yells, “Grace! Get that thing out of here!”

My dad is trying to move away from the snake and my mom is snuggling it like it’s a teddy bear. “He’s cute. Here. Hold him. You need to get over your fear.”

Mom just put Fluffy on my dad’s lap and he’s frozen in place, afraid to move. I think he might have a heart attack because he looks terrified. She’s smirking, and I swear this woman is low-key diabolical. I love it.

“Pet it, Mason. It won’t hurt you.”

“Bullshit, Grace! The only good snake is a dead one.”

I think Dad might cry, so I guess I need to bail him out of this one. “Relax, old man. You’re such a wimp.”

I take the snake before the old man strokes out on us. He drives me crazy, but I don’t want him to die. I’ve never seen my dad look so relieved once Fluffy was away from him. I might mess with him a lot, but he has a deathly fear of snakes. He won’t even watch a movie with snakes without freaking out.

“I’ll go buy him an aquarium today and keep Fluffy in the guest house.” Fluffy wraps around my arm and it’s sort of nice. I got my love for animals from Mom and I always wanted a snake.

Dad grumbles, “Who names a snake Fluffy? Boy, you are proof that evolution can go in reverse.”

I shrug. “It’s ironic.”

“Are you always so stupid, or is this week some special occasion? You’ve upped your game in the moron department lately.”

“Are you always such an ass or… um…”

Dang. I don’t have a comeback. It’s too early in the morning to have this back and forth with my old man.

“Yeah. Get back to me on that one.”

Dad got up and left the room, rolling his eyes at me. Didn’t they use to tell me your eyes will stick that way? Hypocrites.

Mom sat down, petting fluffy. I think she is going to take my snake from me. I always lose pets that way.

“So, how was the meeting yesterday?” Grace says smirking.

Damn it. Mom sweet mother did this? She’s the one who contacted my ex-hookups? Except for Viv. I know she has no idea.

Humm… How do I prank the dragon lady without her killing me? She’s scary, so I maybe I’ll let that one go.

“You did that?” I asked.

“Yep. I knew you would suspect your father. Payment for both of you messing up my sexy time.”

“Mom. I don’t want to hear that.”

“Grow up. Your father is a sexual god in bed. If I don’t get some soon, my lady parts are going to dry up like the Sahara Desert.”

(Gag) “Nasty.”

Mom gets serious while petting Fluffy. “I talked to Dr. Hicks. She wants us to meet for dinner tomorrow. You better be on your best behavior, Zander. I know you do this stuff to annoy your father. For me, please don’t do anything crazy tomorrow.”

“I promise. You know I love Dad, right? I just like messing with him.”

“I know. He might think you’re a total moron, but he loves you too. Zander, talk to me. Why did you change your name? You know how deeply that hurt your father and me?”

“It’s just a name. Besides, it was for publicity.” I reach over petting the snake and realize that I’m just doing it to avoid confer… damn it! Doc is getting in my head.

“Other than some media attention, what did it gain you?”

Humm... I hate when she is making a point.

“Nothing, I guess. But the wedding is going to be huge. I have tons of media coming and I could use this to start a social media empire.”

“The easy way out. Social media rather than using your degree in something worthwhile.”

“Mom… I…”

“Well, just so you know, this nonsense has devastated your grandmother. She was crying when she found out. She wanted to see the family name passed on. You know how much that meant to her.”

Low blow, Mom. Low blow. Bring up my G-Ma to hit below the belt. My G-Ma is the best woman in the world, next to my mom. I hate to upset her.

“I’ll go talk to her.”

“Be sure you do. Your grandfather is ready to come over and take matters into his own hands.”

Yikes. The only person who scares me more than the Dragon Lady and Scary Kelly is my grandfather. I’m almost positive he’s a hired assassin or something. No one knows exactly what he did for a living before he retired. It was always some big family mystery. I always thought he was a lame traveling salesperson or a CIA operative. He always went on the road when I was a kid. Maybe he just doesn’t tell everyone what he does because he likes to mess with people too. I definitely have his genes.

“Okay. I’ll go see them later. I have a wedding to plan, so I’m going to get fitted for my tux.”

“Moron.”

“Come on. This shit is genius, and you know it.” I kissed her cheek before leaving.

My mom rolls her eyes at me. Sometimes I think she hates me.

“Does your asshole ever get jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth?”

I chuckle hearing her cuss. “Mom. What the hell?”

“Face it. You are not exactly a rocket scientist, son. This plan you have is not one of your finest moments.”

I get up and head to my room after putting Fluffy in the flower atrium Mom had built in the middle of the house. I need to move into the guest house by Monday, so I have a lot to do. I call up Justin and Chris, my best friends, to tell them to meet me to get fitted for our tuxedos. Then we’ll head to the club to have some fun.