At one time, I even seriously thought about going to a monastery, although I don’t know if they exist today. But if you think about it, I ignore men, alcohol was forbidden to me, and I didn’t drink much before. I don’t go anywhere, I sit at home, consider myself in prison. I lead a righteous life, although I had already “sinned” before that, but when it was there. So many years have passed that it no longer counts.

I take a pumice stone and once again go through my legs, then I take a nail file. I wipe myself with a terry towel. I love my legs, I love when they are smooth. They are always the first to be seen in me, and everyone likes my face. True, Tolik, ex-husband, often repeated that my nose is too big. He constantly teased me. Rather, he teased me while everything was in order, but as soon as I got sick, he became so silent, closed in on himself. He drank in the evenings, and at night, probably, he cried. So that he does not speak and no matter how brave, I often saw his red eyes in the morning.

“Don’t remember everything, that’s enough. Live on. You have an interview tomorrow. And suddenly you will be hired.”

And why did I decide that they could take me. After all, just to come and appear in the eyes of the boss does not mean anything. Katya, by the way, said that he loves bright girls, so that the skirt is shorter, but the heels are more authentic, and always tights.

"Who are you going to work there?" an inner voice teases me, and I continue to plan. I will put on a blouse with bare shoulders, I will do the styling, cilia, eyebrows, arrows and a kilogram of plaster. You need to dress up like a whore. Well, I can do it, I work in such a place. I used to know how, from the age of two I started to paint.

I remember I stole cosmetics from my mother and quietly put on makeup, I thought it was beautiful. But apparently not, because she then yelled at me. And I should not have noticed, a real high-quality make it invisible. And I also remember, I felt so ashamed that my mascara flowed. And I can’t imagine how I remember it, but this is really one of my first childhood memories, it was a happy time.

I put my feet on a towel and started painting my nails. First, I level them with a nail file, remove the old varnish with acetone, and then apply a new, white matte. I love matte colors. Matte is prettier, although gloss is more practical and lasts longer.

I took out my “Louboutins” from the closet. I was wearing them at the wedding. I can't remember our wedding without smiling. It is a pity that almost immediately after it I went to the hospital and from there it was not the cheerful Yulechka that I was before, but the heartbroken Chuchundra that I am to this day.

I examined my Louboutins, the heel is a little weak, but I think it will be enough for me tomorrow. I'm not going to work for them, if they take me, of course. Although, judging by the descriptions of Katyukha, their general is still a womanizer, he does not miss a single skirt, since he is recruiting such girls. I try to imagine how I will fight off his advances. I hope this doesn't happen, I really hope so. In general, I need this job, not with my health every day in a beauty salon to breathe hairspray and acetone.

“Thank you, Katyuh,” I say out loud.

I dry my nails and go to bed, and the clock is almost twelve. I need to get enough sleep before the interview. I also need to take time off from work, I’ll say that I’m sick, but yesterday I felt bad. And today I will say that it did not get better. I'm used to lying about little things. Moreover, my wages are piecework: I work a day - I get it, I don’t work a day - I don’t get it. And if they take me to Katya's firm, then I'll quit. It’s a pity, of course, I worked in the salon for so many years, but okay.

If only they would take me, the extra money will not hurt me now, otherwise I can hardly make ends meet. How hard it is in life without a man, so that he earns normally. I myself can barely afford a communal apartment and earn money for myself, I don’t even have enough for pills, I have to take it from my mother. It's so inconvenient to take from your mother every time. Here it seems like an adult girl, and I ask my parents for money.

To return to those days when everything was still in order, and life seemed cloudless.

“And what would you change, how would you stop the disease?”

“I would just live a little longer without knowing anything about her. It's so nice to plunge into ignorance again.

I put my head on the pillow and fall asleep and in my dream I'm still eighteen. Nothing has happened yet and everything is fine. And it doesn't make me want to wake up in the morning. Even when the alarm clock rings, you don’t want to open your eyes, but you want to stay at least a little more in a beautiful dream.

But after the alarm, the phone rings. Reluctantly, I open one eye and see that Katyukha is calling. If only nothing had changed, otherwise I would have already tuned in.

- Yes, hello Katyuh, - I picked up the phone.

- Hello, Yulia, how are you, ready for an interview?

- Oh sure…

“Then don’t be late. Don't let me down, I will keep my fingers crossed for you.

“Thanks, mate,” I hung up the phone. I smile and hug the pillow again, although I understand that I need to get up, but I still want to lie a little more.

The next time I open my eyes, it's already eight.

“What have I been doing for an hour?” I jump up and start thinking frantically.

You need to take a shower, prepare clothes, do styling …

I take a quick shower, although I really like to stand under it and warm myself. But more I like to wallow in the bathroom, but now there is no time for this. I wrap myself in a warm terry bathrobe and go into the kitchen. I yawn and make myself scrambled eggs and coffee. I love coffee in the morning. It helps me wake up in the morning and fall asleep at night. Here is such a dilemma. The doctor said that I have problems with blood pressure and I need to drink several cups of coffee a day, otherwise my head will hurt. That's something, but I just lacked a migraine.

I sit in front of the mirror and do my hair. I have done it so many times for others that it is not difficult to do it myself. Plus, I'm used to doing everything myself.

I started painting. First, I degrease the skin, and then I apply the first layer of foundation. I do everything slowly and carefully, I do not like haste in such matters. Although, if necessary, I can quickly make up, in about twenty minutes. But today I don’t need to quickly, I’m supposed to shine, I need to show myself in all its glory. As Katyukha said, her boss only looks at appearances.

She says he is handsome. But Katyukha has such a taste ... no offense to her. So it’s not worth focusing on her opinion, and maybe her general is not more beautiful than an orangutan.

Katyukha has been married for a long time, she has a wonderful loving husband, they have been together since the first grade.

"Brigade", I remember the words from the film and smile.

But I can’t smile so that the makeup fits correctly. I bring the shadows, tint the eyes, select the halftones, and highlight the cheekbones. I can talk about it for hours and never get bored. I love makeup and everything related to this. I tint my eyelashes with the thickest mascara. I want them to look as big as possible, although I have them already huge, I'm black. But I want them to be just like butterfly wings with curled tips. I love to clap them and make such an innocent look, I love it when men stare at me. Lord, how long have I sat at home and did nothing of the sort. It's time to get out of your shell.

“Yulka, you are beautiful, it’s too early to bury yourself.” I draw arrows and shadows, I tint my eyebrows. I do everything diligently, the hair is a little twisted at the ends, I make them even, let it look like keratin. How long have I dreamed of doing keratin for myself and even did it once. But so many years have passed since then, and I somehow gave up on myself. But in vain. I love my reflection in the mirror. What a cutie I am. It is a pity, of course, that the nose is too big, with him I really am like an Armenian. Tolik was right, it would somehow be reduced. But I won’t dare to have an operation, there are too many bad associations with this word.

"Let's hope Katyukhin's boss likes girls from the Caucasus."

I press the tip of my nose with my finger, and now it is also twisted, it looks like the hooked nose of Baba Yaga. And I look at him and smile. Really funny. It's all genes, all because I'm Jewish because of my daddy, who hasn't come to see me once in the last five years. He didn't even ask how I was. As then, after the wedding, he stumbled, and did not appear. Of course, he has a family and a child there, in Israel. He didn’t even intend to “make” me, I turned out by myself, by accident. Well, the attitude towards me is appropriate. Yes, he went to hell. All my life I've been without it and it's somehow normal, but it depends on what is considered the norm.

“Yes, what’s normal with me, my whole life is messed up, anyhow.”

“That's enough, that's enough,” I say out loud to myself, fanning myself with my hand so that, God forbid, I don't burst into tears, so that the carcasses don't flow.

I bring out the color of the skin with toner, men like tanned ones. I highlight the line of the cheekbones, I can make it so that it is not visible where the tonal ends and my natural color begins.

And where did I manage to sunbathe? Probably, while I was going from home to work and home from work, I didn't go anywhere else.

I go to the closet and pick out clothes. Bra, haven’t worn bras for a long time, but now, probably, I need to wear them. After all, with my almost zero size, it’s quite dumb to go to an interview, but if you tighten it up properly, you can imagine that there is almost a deuce. Or maybe put some cotton on. No, it's a stupid idea though. You just need to press them a little, so although they are small, they look pretty nice.

“It was necessary to apply cabbage in youth so that they grow faster,” I recall a popular sign. Oh, what I just didn’t do, I even wanted to insert silicone after childbirth. And then ... then there was no time for that. Although, to admit there was a moment when they really grew up. It was probably the best time of my life. Just before I ended up in that stupid hospital. I then thought: “Finally I will have big boobs.”

And then something happened that I better not remember when I put on makeup. I lost a child, if anything, went through nine circles of hell. I still can't recover. Constantly it hurts in the side, then the immunity drops, then the pressure jumps. I drink coffee non-stop all day long. In a week, a can of instant coffee leaves me, along with a sugar substitute and cream.

I choose a blouse and turn on the steam generator. A handy thing, I must say, ironing with it is a pleasure.

I choose a shorter skirt, I have as many as you want. I used to be such a fashionista, I constantly bought myself something new. And everything is still right for me. I have no problem losing weight, rather the opposite, I find it difficult to gain weight.

“At least some plus for my sores,” I smile to myself and turn around in front of the mirror. I remember Tolik's words:

“Yulka, how beautiful you are. And why am I so happy?

“I’m sorry Tolenka that nothing worked out between you and me. It's all my fault - stop, stop, stop, stop, just don't cry. Well, hold on, get together rag!

Someone else would have slapped me in the face, it would have helped. I picture the red slap mark on my cheek and, oddly enough, it turns me on.

It's high time I got spanked properly. Thank you Katyuha for luring me out of the house. Even if nothing works out in the interview, thanks anyway for distracting me from gloomy thoughts and soul-searching.