The Carrero Effect

~ The Holiday: Part 2 ~

Jake was searching under the water, too dark to see anything and scrambling with his hands at anything that felt like it could be Daniel. Panic gripping his stomach as he frantically surfaced for air and dove again. He had hit the water without a thought the second he knew Danny was in here. No cares that he was maybe too drunk for this and just endlessly searching despite his muscles aching and being so heavy he could barely move anymore. It felt like it had been hours instead of minutes and he still hadn’t found him. He wouldn’t give up on him, he wouldn’t lose his best friend this way.

Surfacing for air quicker this time he took a moment to drag more into his burning lungs and wipe the water from his eyes. He could hear yelling from the deck, crying from Leila and other voices but he was fully zoned-in on the surface of the water looking for any signs of him.

“He’s here, Mr. Carrero,” yelled out one of the crew from the speed boat nearby and he felt his body lose all fatigue and started swimming their way frantically. He could see them hauling a lifeless body into the boat under the moonlight and a sickness swept through him, a fear that maybe they had been too late which only made him swim faster to his friend’s side

* * *

The hospital had given Jake some dry clothes to wear, he hadn’t really thought about anything when he had jumped into the air rescue chopper holding Hunter’s hand, only that he had to be with him at all costs. It had all passed in a blur of drama and chaos. Daniel’s lifeless, pale face lying still and closed-up on the stretcher below him, he felt like he had barely breathed in that entire journey to the mainland hospital.

Hunter had been breathing on his own but still wasn’t conscious and the paramedics had been messing with tubes and ventilators while Jake curbed his panic the best he could. He had lost a friend this way once before, saved them from drowning only to have them die later from too much fluid intake.

It had felt like an eternity sitting in that hall waiting for word, his stomach churning itself in knots and his hands trembling and cold when they had got here. The ship’s captain had been sent back to the boat as daylight had broken. He wanted him to take care of Emma in his absence, it was the only rational thought he could formulate, focusing on her to give him some peace.

He hadn’t given himself much chance to think about what had been happening with her when Daniel had fallen overboard, he had been focused on him and what was going on, the fear and agony of searching for Hunter. Anytime she had come into his head he had pushed her back down, wanting to analyze it later, not tarnish the happiest moment of his life with possibly the worst. Until he knew Hunter was going to be okay, all thoughts were on him. Losing Danny would be like losing Arrick, he was as close as a brother and would never forgive himself if he died.

“Mr. Carrero? Mr. Hunter is asking for you.” A young female voice drew his attention, looking up at a young nurse in blue scrubs beckoning him to follow, so he did without hesitation. She smiled his way warmly.

“He’s okay? He’s going to be okay, I mean?” He tripped over his words, half relief and half exhaustion. Walking behind her and trying to drag his heavy weight with him. He felt about a hundred years older suddenly.

“Yes, he will be kept in for observation of course but he’s fine. His father has been notified and on his way.”

Jake sighed, relief washing over him and a sudden ache to wrap arms around Emma shocked him. He didn’t have his cell with him to call her. He’d gotten here in soaked clothes, a shirt, and chinos, not even wearing shoes.

Jake was ushered into a side room that resembled every hospital he had ever been in, a lot like that time he had gone with Emma to Chicago. A single bed that was tilted into a comfier position, surrounded by white curtains and a bunch of machines and Hunter sitting grinning at him from the middle of it all like a fucking asshole. Dressed in a hospital gown and tucked in like a goddamn child under blue sheets and a blanket.

“Dickhead,” Jake grunted at him but still moved in for a shoulder to shoulder man-hug and patted his best friend on the back with sheer relief.

“You’re my hero, baby, hear you swam your little lungs out like Aqua Man trying to find me.” Daniel winked at him, but he had the urge to just punch him in the face for being so fucking normal.

“Fuck head. At least pretend to be remorseful or at least injured, right now you’re making me want to hurt you and I wouldn’t feel any guilt at all.” Jake flicked Hunter in the forehead in agitation then hauled a seat over and slumped down ungraciously.

“Charming! You look like crap … Tired and definitely not like a guy who got laid.” Hunter eyed him up warily and Jake only stuck the V up at him.

“Yeah, well, whose fault is that?” he growled at him grumpily, rubbing his face and feeling several layers of fatigue hitting him all at once. Relief was a funny thing, it let loose everything he had been holding back for hours and all of a sudden, he was drained in the worst kind of ways.

Goddammit, he was beyond tired and no longer anywhere near drunk at all.

“Sorry, bud … So, how far did you get with little miss icy pants?” Hunter grinned but Jake only glared at him coldly.

“Don’t call her that. Danny? How the fuck did you fall off the boat? There are safety rails for that specific reason and even a drunk asshole like you couldn’t just tumble over them.” Jake shifted in his chair trying to find a comfier spot but couldn’t. His body aching and desperately in need of sleep.

“Misdirection! Interesting … So maybe started something but didn’t finish it huh?” Daniel smirked his way and got another finger aimed his way.

“How?” Jake repeated.

“Okay, I’ll go first if you go second … no bullshit from either of us … deal?” Hunter looked sheepish and peaked Jake’s attention. He obviously had something juicy he was hiding. He sighed and then nodded knowing Hunter wouldn’t give this topic up.

“I saw Richie trying to coerce Leila into my wild little party, pulling at her dress and trying to haul her back … She was saying no, and I just saw red. I flew for him but being drunk as fuck I misaimed and went straight over the rails. I don’t think they were even looking my way so everyone thought I’d just jumped up and Superman dove into the ocean.” Hunter shrugged, a little color rising up his cheeks with embarrassment and Jake couldn’t do anything but burst out laughing. He leaned into his knees and just gave in to the worst kind of hysterics.

Relief, pent-up emotional trauma. Who knew? But he laughed so much his sides started to ache, and tears poured down his face, when he stopped he realized Hunter was laughing too. Just how ridiculously close he had been to death in trying to save Leila from an orgy he had started. The whole thing was completely crazy.

“Jesus, Danny … for the love of God please tell the fucking girl you love her for fuck’s sake!” Jake hauled his arms around his ribs to stop the ache, but Hunter just raised a knowing eyebrow at him. They knew it wasn’t that simple.

“Touche!” He winked at Jake but was met with another heavy sigh.

“Yeah, whatever.” Jake shrugged and once again pushed thoughts of Emma away, he didn’t really want to think about this right now.

“So?” Hunter pushed at him with a finger and Jake glared back. Telling him was inevitable and a part of him wanted to talk about it. Let it out of his head.

“We kissed … for a while … would have been more if some idiot hadn’t nosedived off the fucking boat.” Jake shrugged and tried to relax but talking about this had him tense and edgy. He couldn’t pinpoint why. It had been everything he had thought it could be, more, but now in harsh daylight and sober as hell he was worried as to what would happen now. How Emma would feel. Maybe not getting to sex had been a saving grace instead of a calamity.

“You don’t think she wants more do you?” Hunter was eyeing him up intensely, reading his best mate effortlessly as he always did.

“No.” Jake hated to admit it, saying it out loud hurt like hell but something deep down was telling him he was crazy to think someone like her would even want more with someone like him. His past, his lifestyle, and all the shit he had done even while she was his PA. He had fucked it all up by not realizing from day one he should have been showing her he could be a guy worth more. Not a playboy asshole with a string of fuck buddies and a long history of wild parties and reckless acts. It was no wonder Emma never looked beyond friendship, the chemistry was there for both of them, but he was an asshole to let her see into all that he had been so easily. Last night had been drunken fun for her, he was stupid not to realize that.

How could he win over a girl like her, a pure and sweet angelic girl when he had done nothing to deserve her?

“Look, man, you know how I feel about this … If you think there’s no future in it you need to be the one to cut ties.” Hunter was frowning at him and he knew what he meant. Firing Emma so they didn’t work together anymore was the last thing he would ever do. He couldn’t imagine not having her in his life.

“I can’t … I won’t,” he said firmly, his no-nonsense tone that even Hunter knew not to argue with.

“Then you need to cut ties emotionally. If she wants to be just friends and co-workers, then you need to get up and go back to who you were until she doesn’t mean anything anymore.” Hunter was watching him, laying back on the cushions a little helplessly.

“Has that worked for you?” He regarded him thoughtfully.

“It helps. Over time, I hope I feel nothing for her, but over the last couple years I find it easier to put her out of my head.” Hunter shrugged again, and they both looked up at the ceiling to contemplate the craziness that was Hunter’s love for Leila. Jake tried to imagine doing the same thing and couldn’t. He was far worse than Hunter in terms of how he felt and his relationship with Emma wasn’t exactly something he could just drop and run off to the other side of the world from. He was her boss and love aside, he did actually need her at work. She was amazing at what she did, and he didn’t have the heart to look for another PA. He didn’t want another PA.

Jake got back to the boat in the early morning, a long drive from a passing farmer he managed to flag down and then having to persuade a boat trip out to the moored yacht from a local when he got to port. Not having his phone or any form of money on him had been brutal, but he was glad to be finally climbing the silver ladder onto the back deck of the boat. Hunter was being kept in for forty-eight hours to make sure he would have no lasting effects and some minor antibiotics to make sure he didn’t catch any bugs. He would come back to the boat in due time, so Jake was happy to leave him. Seeing one of the crew approaching at his arrival he beckoned him over.

“Go to my room and get some money from the vanity and pay the guy for the ride … Just take whatever’s there.” He patted the crewman on the back knowing he was trustworthy and left him to speak the native tongue of the local to pay him for the kindness. Jake was too tired to deal with any more, he wanted to find Emma and check she was okay, tell her that he was back and then go to bed. He was exhausted and almost dead on his feet.

“Ricardo?” He turned to the young man quickly “Where is Miss Anderson?” he asked pointedly.

“Up on deck, sir, she was on the loungers about five minutes ago.” The young man nodded his way, receiving a pat on the shoulder as way of thanks and Jake headed for the stairs to the upper deck. It was early even for an early riser like Emma, suggesting she had probably waited on him all night and that didn’t make him happy at all. She would be as tired as him.

“Emma?” he called out as he got to the top of the deck and could see her laid out on the double lounger like an angel resting on the clouds. God, she was a sight for sore eyes, and just being back within ten feet of her relaxed every taut muscle in his body. He felt like he had been tense waiting to get back to her and could finally breathe now that he could see her.

“Hey.” She smiled shyly from her position on the lounger as he walked forward intently, she just looked too inviting to not go to her and all thoughts of anything else swam from his fuzzy head. She was like a constant lure for him, pushing sense aside. He slid down beside her on the lounger with a satisfied sigh, his body giving way to the comfort of lying down. He sprawled alongside her, not caring if he draped all over her, too fatigued to move, and lay on his front. He buried his face in his arms to block out the light and felt like he could fall asleep instantly beside her, the smell of her and her nearness was like being home, and now his brain was shutting down with relief.

Despite his brain closing down slowly, he could feel her breath on his arm and her eyes on his profile, silently looking at him. He could sense her, her shyness at saying anything vibrating his way and as much as he wanted to just sleep he wanted her to be okay about last night too.

“I’m still awake,” he mumbled, sliding an arm out across her waist with his eyes closed, pulling her to his side so he could snuggle into her and kill this insane need to stare at her. He wanted to know what she was thinking, but he didn’t have the energy to do anything about it. He moved his face nearer her neck so he could tuck his forehead against her hair and inhale all the sexy goodness and subtle tropical scent that was just her. He had missed her like crazy.

“You smell good,” he muttered almost incoherently, still with eyes shut and sleep trying to overtake him. He could feel her slowly beginning to tense her body, her breathing becoming shallower and the tell-tale signs of Emma going into PA mode, all business and no emotion.

Fuck, he didn’t need this version right now.

“Thanks,” she muttered a little tightly. Jake sighed internally that she wasn’t even going to give him five minutes to rejoice in last night before ripping this to shreds for him. He smiled against her naked skin with a little hint of defeat, smiled because he knew her only too well.

“Are you ever going to just learn to let go, Miss Anderson? When you’re sober.” He sighed again, wishing she was still drunk for at least a little while.

“What do you mean?” She sounded irritated, maybe a little surprised.

“I can feel you … stiffer than a board … why so formal after last night?” He smiled again. Teasing her might be more fun than an argument right about now, not that he could do much. He had no use of his limbs anymore. He felt her movements and the tell-tale motion of her twisting her hair anxiously, her cute little annoying habit of nerves on show.

Goddammit, Emma.

He reached up, covered her hand in his and pulled her fingers away from that soft, beautiful hair.

“Relax, I only want to sleep,” he mumbled, returning his arm to its previous throw across her waist casually. “Stop thinking and sleep with me … you look tired.” He commanded a little more than he meant to, but he wanted this last time with her before reality set in and she found every reason to rip his heart out. He felt her eyes on his face again and knew she was probably glaring at him for pulling her fingers out of her hair like she always did. Truly a return to her uptight former self and not even a hint of carefree holiday Emma left on show.

“I’m not tired,” she huffed childishly, feathers ruffled for whatever reason and whatever he had done this time. Hungover, Emma was on show and even though it was normally cute, not so much today when he actually cared about what had happened between them last night. He felt her slide out of his arms, leaving him feeling a little empty.

“I’m going for a swim,” she added as she rose, voice all cool and very PA and Jake could only sigh at her return. Last night had obviously pushed her further than she was comfortable with and here she was reeling it back in again with a vengeance. Jake lifted his head to look at her walking away, sexy and cute all rolled into one perfect little package of sheer angelic beauty. He felt that ache of longing at knowing this would never be what he wanted, and she was already closing down on him.

“Don’t drown … I don’t have the energy for a repeat of last night.” He sighed, watching her leave with a serious bout of regret at leaving last night, as much as he was glad to stay by his best mate’s side he couldn’t help but wish he had stayed with her and seen through whatever last night had been. More now than ever seeing as cold and closed off Emma had made a grand return. She was back in work mode, and he was not too happy about that at all.

When Emma had left the deck Jake hauled himself up, the lounger no longer appealing without her on it and dragged himself back to the confines of his own room to sleep in peace away from the death rays of the sun.

Leaving it dark and only kicking the door semi-closed he collapsed face down on the bed, barely managing to haul the covers back with his heavy fatigued body and passed out immediately.

* * *

Jake finally woke up feeling almost normal, his room was still in darkness, and he had no clue how many hours he’d been asleep. He was still in the exact position he’d flopped down in and was now stiff as hell.

He pulled himself up and dragged his aching muscles to the en suite shower in an attempt to wake up fully. He hated sleeping the day away even if he had an excuse and wanted to make sure he did something more active than lazing around today to counterbalance his messed up sleeping pattern.

Once showered and dressed he headed up on deck to see what the crew had going for breakfast, or lunch, or whatever the hell time of the day it was. For all he knew it could be evening, anyway.

Heading up into the sun he was surprised, and a little irritated, to see Emma had fallen asleep under the highest point of it in the day, it was noon judging by its position, and she was only being saved from the rays by a book over her face.

He knew it was her just from that little body alone, she had a figure the other girls should envy, soft curves and perfectly proportioned little limbs. Even her dainty feet always fascinated him. He’d never been a fan of small delicate girls before Emma but somehow it only added to everything about her that was perfect.

He sat down on the lounger beside her, smiling at the romance book cover with a shake of his head. The girl was complicated, to say the least, he would never have pegged her for romance books, and he slid it away slowly to reveal her peaceful perfection underneath.

Tiny little nose and perfectly kissable lips, a perfect face if he ever saw one and the tiniest hints of freckles forming over the bridge of her nose now she was getting a tan. He gently brushed her hair away from her forehead, savoring the silent moments before she woke up fully. Taking in a face that would haunt him for a lifetime.

“Hey.” He sounded husky as she began to rouse with the sun fully hitting her face, adorably sleepy and those perfect soft blues that he loved so much flickering open to melt his heart some more.

I love you, bambino.

“Hey.” She half smiled, half blinked up at him sleepily, his heart aching a little too much.

“You shouldn’t sleep in the sun,” he scolded gently, watching her trying to focus on him. Even though he’d put himself in between the sun and her to shield her, she seemed to be having a hard time looking at him properly, squinting at the brightness.

“I didn’t intend to.” She blinked some more as Jake slid his sunglasses onto her face, smiling back when she smiled at him in that endearing way she had. He knew they had to talk about last night and set things straight, not just brush it aside as she seemed to want to do. He didn’t want to do it here either.

“Want to go somewhere?” Jake looked off to the ocean, away from her face. A deep sense of trepidation that this was not going to go how he wanted it to but that doing it was unavoidable.

“Such as?” She sounded inquisitive, mellower than before he had gone to bed and less PA toned.

He shrugged in reply, he just wanted them away from here, away from the others who would start questioning him about Hunter, tilting his head up to watch the sea crashing on the distant shore to give him some sense of calm.

“Anywhere but here.” He sighed dejectedly. He had told Hunter that deep down he knew Emma didn’t want a relationship with him, but he had always held a tiny spark of hope that he was wrong. Being here now with her after last night and how normal she seemed had killed all his chances. He knew undeniably that Emma was never going to see him as anything other than a boss and a friend.

“How’s Hunter?” she asked gently, watching his face a little too closely.

“He’s fine … he will be. They just need to monitor him. Secondary drowning is a risk when you swallow as much as he did.” He answered on autopilot, his head too wrapped up in what was missing between them to divulge much about Danny.

“Secondary drowning?” she asked looking at him shyly.

“You can drown long after you come out of the water. It’s in your lungs still.” He tensed, remembering Blake Carlisle, his childhood friend who’d drowned after a stupid drunken boat party. It hurt to remember him.

“So where will we go?” she asked a little more brightly, a smile plastered on her face, but it did nothing for his mood. She was so far removed from the Emma of last night it was scary.

“We could drive somewhere.” He went back to watching the horizon instead of that beautiful face of hers, tense, distracted. He just needed to get things moving and get this over and done with. He had formulated a plan at the hospital last night with Hunter. A way out of this emotional mess he was in if things were looking hopeless with her.

“Okay.” She smiled a little warily, unsure of his mood. “Shall I get changed?”

He shook his head, looking over her floaty dress and sandals, she was always gorgeous no matter what she chose to wear but in the summer clothes and dresses she was even more so.

“No … You look perfect.” His eyes flickered down the length of her as she got up, waving her book at him to say she was going to put it in her room. He watched her walk away elegantly and felt his stomach drop heavily. He had got enough from these few minutes to know he might be putting his plan into action later today. Emma wasn’t the same girl of yesterday, the connection was gone, and she was most likely never to get that drunk again, knowing how far they had gone.

Minutes later, Emma walked back on deck toward him, looking every bit the angel who held all the keys to his heart and every bit the destroyer of it. He smiled, despite feeling like absolute hell, and gestured for her to follow him to the stairs again to get off the boat.

* * *

Driving the coastal roads on the cliffs above where the yacht was moored in the rented sports car wasn’t helping Jake’s mood much, despite the companionable silence between them, he was tense as hell. He caught her looking his way a few times, but he ignored it, keeping his eyes on the winding road, and handling the powerful car expertly. He had been using the quiet time to think things through, look for ways to fix this, other outcomes and yet always came back to the same problem. Emma just didn’t feel the same way about him, and he had to accept it. Sighing to himself for the hundredth time, he tried to focus on just the here and now, of being with her and enjoying the beautiful scenery and the rest of their trip.

Feeling her eyes on him once more he tried to lighten his mood, smiling her way softly, remembering a little too well what she had felt like in his arms. That soft mouth and smooth skin, that tongue of hers meeting with his, that body molded so seamlessly to his own. If anything, he could imprint all of it to memory for a lifetime and never regret one second of it. To be able to kiss her so freely had been more than he had ever imagined it could be.

“So? Are we literally just driving then?” she asked brightly, breaking the silence between them and looking his way openly, a small subtle smile on show.

“Nope,” he replied unemotionally and just kept his gaze fixed on the crazy road to maneuver another dangerous narrow turn.

“No clues?” She tried again with another look his way, a small hint at irritation.

“None!” Jake just answered in the same unemotional one-word way. He didn’t much feel like talking just yet, he had a scenic destination they were heading for that he could stop at.

“How do you know I’ll like it?” She bit a little more aggressively, temper rising quickly in her. Emma was obviously still hungover and easily irritated but it only grated on his already fragile mood.

He shrugged as a response.

“It’s not fun is it?” he responded dryly, unable to keep a curb on the emotions building up inside of him now that they were nearing the lookout point where he intended to stop. His own hangover biting and emotions fragile.

“What?” she snapped back around, catching his face turned her way for a second, both of their eyes narrowed at each another.

“Being closed out.” He tried for nonchalant, but emotion betrayed his words, he just sounded sarcastic and he knew he was being an asshole, but he couldn’t help it. Getting closer to stopping and really talking was no doubt getting closer to Emma telling him this would always be a boss and PA relationship and he was hurting like hell. “What does it take, Emma?” He asked impulsively, really wanting to know what he had to do to just get her to look at him the way he looked at her.

He shifted gear, eyes back on the road and whole body tense as hell while he waited on her response, he was driving a little faster and heart beating louder. He knew he was working himself up into this frenzy of a bad mood and had little control over it.

“Jake, please … what are you talking about?” Emma shifted awkwardly in her seat, fixing her seat belt as though the speed was making her nervous and he eased his foot on the gas a little. Slowing down to round another turn.

“You’re not even going to mention last night? Is that another conversation over?” he snapped at her as emotion overtook and regretted it almost immediately.

Cool the fuck down, Carrero.

“You didn’t mention it either.” She spat a little too aggressively back at him. Riled by his mood, obviously and changing the whole tone of how he had intended this conversation to go.

“I was waiting to see if you would.” He tried to keep control of his tone this time, trying to defuse the anger and just talk. He wasn’t doing a good job of it at all and every word out of his mouth sounded snarky as fuck.

“Why?” she snapped, still pissed, and he could only shrug. He had wanted her to broach the subject, acknowledge last night in some way because it fucking hurt him that she hadn’t. That it had been nothing to her except a drunken mistake.

“Jake, it shouldn’t have happened, we crossed a line.” She glanced his way, softening her tone the way she did at work when she was trying to soothe a bad mood over some shitty business meeting. She was pandering to him, and he couldn’t fucking stand it over this. He lost the last ounces of control on his temper.

“And there she is! Right back to square one.” The sarcasm was thick in his tone. His body stiffening in his seat with sheer anger and heartbreak fighting each another for control.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She turned at him angrily.

“Anytime you get close, Emma, even a hint of letting go, you snap right back in and shut the door. No conversation, no acknowledgment of it, just wham. Over!” He barked at her, letting his anger loose, unable to stop the infernal ache in his gut from leaking out.

“What?” She hissed with a sardonic laugh. “Because I won’t sleep with my boss? I’m not letting myself go? That’s being closed off?” She turned away anger flaming her face, body seething rage, and he wanted to punch the goddamn windscreen so badly.

“I don’t think there was any doubt about it last night. It’s not the issue … it’s the afterwards, Emma.” His voice was laced with venom, anger seething from every pore, his body tense. He had never been on this side of it before, women had always wanted more from him, and he hadn’t felt anything. Knowing that was now Emma’s stance got to him more than anything ever had in his life, knowing what she was probably thinking right now because he had been that same cold bastard so many times.

“I was drunk … being stupid, anyone can make a mistake!” She huffed and stayed looking away from him. Shifting herself away so she could turn her body from him toward the door. Jake felt that surge of complete ache hit him hard, rage kicking in and he slammed the car to a halt with his foot hitting the floor on the brake pedal. Uncontainable pain oozing from every pore.

This wasn’t her … his Emma was not this cold-hearted, unfeeling bitch who just slammed sex like that; who dismissed last night as a drunken mistake not worth mentioning.

Everything loose in the car flew around them dramatically but he didn’t care, he needed to get out and away from her before he ripped the goddamn steering wheel off and used it to smash the windscreen out.

He felt her looking his way as he hauled off his belt and got out of the car. Stalking far away from it and leaving the door wide open, walking to the cliff edge to try to regain some control over the huge swarm of painful emotions consuming him right now. For a second, he had an urge to jump off the fucking cliff just so it would stop. He dragged in a few deep breaths to cool his jets, simmer his mood until he had control once more.

His pain dulled down as sheer anger overtook him, anger that she would be this way about last night. Anger that despite knowing it would turn out this way, he had still gone down this fucking route. Anger that he hadn’t just left it alone and enjoyed a day on the beach with her doing anything except this shit. He was a fucking moron.

Calmer, he turned back and slid into the car once more, swallowing it down, breathing hard.

He knew there was no way of coming out of this conversation now and he had to do this, for his own sanity if nothing more. Things between them couldn’t keep going on this way and last night had been a final line for him. He couldn’t stay loving a girl who only wanted friendship.

“It’s not about sex, Emma,” he said quietly putting his hands back on the steering wheel to give him a point of focus, but he didn’t start the car. “It’s about this eternal need in you to stay in full control. Never letting anyone in, never letting yourself enjoy anything and letting your guard down.” It was about her inability to love him the way he loved her and as much as he tried to skirt around the issue, there was no getting away from it anymore. It was make or break time.

“That’s not true,” she replied defensively, looking at him like a wounded rabbit caught in headlights. His gut aching again that he was doing this to her right now.

“Really? Emma, I’ve been with you for months now, I’ve seen just about every version of you there is … Tired, grumpy, bossy, happy, PMSing like fuck.” He was calmer, her sad expression simmering the heat of his temper, but his voice was strained, that edge to his tone that hinted at anger bristling below the surface.

“I’ve seen vulnerable only briefly.” He glanced at her and she looked away a little too quickly. “I get it, Emma … you’re strong, you want everyone to see that. You don’t need anyone, but it’s not who you are … and it’s not true.”

He didn’t want it to be true, he wanted her to need him.

“Yes, it is. Do you ever think that maybe you overthink it and try to see stuff that isn’t there?” she spat angrily, turning to him frostily and glaring him down in that way she intimidated people at work. He didn’t even blink at it, he knew this look on her was nothing more than a defense mechanism to make people back off.

“I think I know you better than most people.” He sighed, knowing this was going nowhere that he wanted it too. He did know her, knew that he was fighting a losing battle and he no longer knew why he was even trying.

“What if I don’t know how else to be, Jake?” She turned to him accusingly “You keep pushing … keep telling me to let go but what if I can’t? What if this is me … this is all I know … I’m not capable of doing it any other way because I don’t know how.” She started yelling at him, eyes brimming with emotion and he couldn’t help but ache. Even mad she was too beautiful for words, mad and closing him down little by little. All he was ever going to get was last night, the memory of a kiss that he wanted one more time.

Throwing caution to the wind and knowing this would probably make her madder than hell he thought “fuck it” and threw his lips against hers. Without hesitation, his mouth molded to hers and lips searched hungrily for the feeling of completion she gave him. He was surprised when she responded to his kiss and opened her mouth to meet his. Jake felt every part of him sag into her, his hands finding their own way into that soft hair, tangling his fingers, and pulling that sweet mouth closer. Tongues gliding against one another, lips perfectly connected and the easy motion of two people so right to kiss each another that it made him die a little inside. He felt her fingers travel up his chest and tangle in his shirt collar, tugging him toward her and his heart soared.

Maybe he had been wrong about this and she was finally letting go.

Tilting her head more to accommodate his mouth on hers, giving as much to him as he was to her, not breaking the embrace but pushing it higher and hotter. Breathing heavily and getting lost in the sensation of the kiss equally. They both moaned lightly as the kiss deepened, soft lips and intense feeling pushing him on.

He wanted her closer, needed to feel that body he longed for against him. Letting go with one hand and sliding down to find her belt buckle he unclipped it. Sliding an arm around her waist he pulled her into his body as best he could in the small confines of the car, pressing as much as he could have her to him hungrily. Praying for seconds longer to enjoy this but feeling her start to lose the passion between them. Her hands loosened their hold on his shirt, her kissing keeping time with his, but he could feel her reluctantly pulling back as her palms turned to his chest and she gently started pushing him away. Disappointment, anger, heartbreak all colliding at once as he reluctantly pulled away from her and sat back, letting her go dramatically, no longer able to keep his emotions in check. He looked at her with such devastation.

“That’s exactly what I mean!” he bit in pain. “This is your biggest enemy, Emma … not me.” He tapped her temple with a finger, an extreme crushing pain in his chest as he watched her soft expression move back to cold defensive PA mode, back behind her safe barriers.

“Why did you do that?” she spat at him, both breathing hard and trying to regain composure.

“To prove a point,” he snarled and turned away. He had no point to prove, just a longing to kiss her one more time and feel everything he had felt once more to savor it because deep down he knew it would be the last fucking time. This was over.

“What point?” she asked him accusingly, anger and emotion all over that face. So confused. He scrubbed his hands through his ruffled hair and sighed, grasping at some sense of control and thinking he should just have got out and gone for a walk, but he didn’t.

“What does it matter?” his voice was deflated. He was deflated and tired. He was giving up and just wanted to go back to the boat and forget this day ever started.

“Fuck you!” Emma screeched at him angrily, tears filling her eyes and shocking all the anger out of him. She had never actually sworn at him while yelling like that, and he was rendered momentarily speechless.

He hadn’t ever seen Emma scream at him quite like that either, complete emotional rage. She turned, shoving the car door open, and was gone in a flash, storming away from the car. Impulsively, he followed in hot pursuit. Guilt eating at him and an inability to ever just let her be upset, even if he was the cause.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

He caught up in seconds as she stalked toward the road, pulling her back into him and spinning her around to face him, tear-stained and all and it just hit him in the stomach like a punch. Emma crying was something he could never handle, she rarely did it, and when she did, he felt like the biggest dickhead on the planet. He hated seeing her cry, it wounded him in ways he could never explain.

She tried to fight him off angrily sobbing, but he just folded her into his embrace, pushing his face into her hair and cradling her so she couldn’t get away, trying to soothe her.

“I’m sorry … Emma, stop … Emma. I’m sorry.” His voice was raw and strained. She kept fighting but was losing against his sheer size and strength, she was no match. He just held her close, stopping her outbursts and trying to cuddle her in until she finally began to slump and give up the effort. Finally stilling in his arms, silently crying against him yet not really cuddling him back. He knew if he let her go she would still walk off.

“I don’t want to fight with you.” His voice was quieter, closer to her ear, his crazy mood taking a new direction again and just trying to stop the stupidity between them. No matter how he felt for her, above all she was meant to be his friend and friends didn’t hurt each other like this.

“I don’t want to fight either.” She swallowed a sob. Slumping into him dejectedly and he could only hold her closer, that horrid feeling of sadness sweeping through him once more.

“Maybe we should go back to the boat.” He sounded tired, he was emotionally exhausted and physically fatigued from the events of the last twelve hours. He had no fight left in him and right now all he wanted to do was lie down and try to block all of this out of his head for a few hours.

“Maybe,” she whispered with slight relief and Jake just snapped at her easy agreement. Losing his temper erratically for no obvious reason other than all of this just fucking sucked and he wanted her to care more about it. He couldn’t explain or control any of this anymore.

“No,” he snapped, surprising her and making her tense in his arms, looking up with a look of pure confusion.

Fuck this shit … Fuck her and everything she did to him!

He stalked to the car quelling the urge to push her away from him, placing his hands on the hood in a bid to stop the angry energy surging through his entire body. He needed to go to a gym and beat another boxing bag to death to get rid of it this time. Glaring at the hood of the car and wondering how much damage he could inflict before his hands gave out.

“I can’t do this, Emma,” he snapped, his gaze was steady on the hood of the low sleek car. He clenched a fist and went for a punch, stopping it millimeters from the hood and laying his palm back flat on the hot sun heated surface. Deep breathing to try to curb every internal crazy impulse.

“Do what?” Emma tried softly, keeping her distance and obviously a little wary of his mood. He tried to quell it some more for her sake.

“This! Us!” He waved his hand in an exasperated motion, turning back to her, looking at her with sheer frustration and frowned.

“You drive me crazy … and not in a good way.” He sighed. Facing the car again. His body emanating all kinds of crazy signals no doubt, but he had no control over all the crazy messed up emotions colliding from months of this hell with her.

“I do?” Her small fragile voice sounded completely surprised. She had no clue at all the effect she had on him which only strengthened the fact she saw only friendship between them. She was so innocent and naïve to what this really was for him.

Too angelic for words.

He sighed again, and his face tensed.

“You frustrate me on so many levels.” He carried on, deflated again. Just so fed up with everything that this was.

“Sorry,” she murmured sarcastically, he could tell she was probably rolling her eyes too, while he wanted to just forget he ever met her. He threw her an unamused look over his shoulder, seeing her look down to twiddle her fingers nervously and it only made him sigh. Looking back at the car to get a grip on himself and reality, he began kicking at the solid rubber of the tire with his boot toe childishly, trying to just distract his head from the urge to throw something. He needed to self-calm.

“Why do you never talk about your childhood?” His tone softened, new direction, trying to change this whole topic to something else … anything. He didn’t even know why he would choose this topic among them all. He just needed to talk about anything else, maybe a little insight into her past would help him understand why she was this way. Simmer his anger.

“What?” He heard the defensive scared tone in her voice instantly and it didn’t help with his own mood. “There’s nothing to talk about … You have knowledge of the highlights,” she said drily, that warning tone in her voice she used when the conversation was over.

“I know bits and pieces, Emma, mostly from getting you drunk.” He glared at her accusingly, so pissed at everything right now, even though he was trying to dampen it. Especially this one-sided fucking relationship they had and the fact that after everything, she couldn’t even let him know the details of her past. It said a lot about how she felt about him.

“Where is this going?” Emma glared back at him suspiciously, always closing him out. He was sick of being shut out.

“It hurt you?” His eyes came to rest on her, trying to push every ounce of aggression away again with a mammoth effort and barely holding on. She messed him up in so many ways, and she just had no clue at all.

She looked away, crossing her arms around her body protectively and he just sighed and crumbled inside. He was mad, he wanted to be mad but somehow all she ever did was make him feel guilty and want to stop being angry with her. No wonder he was all over the place. He had no control over his own emotions.

“It’s the past and it should stay there.” Her voice wobbled a little this time with raw pain, and she moved away to turn her back on him. Jake took that hint of softness as a signal that maybe this wasn’t the brick wall he was meeting this time after all.

“Your mom? You don’t talk about her much either.” He pushed, his voice gentler, trying hard to just not be a dickhead. Coaxing her to open up about this gave him a little hope that he meant something to her at least. This topic was easier than the previous one and it was something he had always wanted to know. It was distracting him from his anger, which was a good thing.

“She’s my mom … What else is there to say?” She replied coldly, still keeping her back to him defiantly.

“Tell me about her.” He turned on the hood of the car and sat down to watch her, intrigued that for once he wasn’t having to battle any information out of her and it was helping take his mind off other matters. Her poise was hostile and stiff, but she hadn’t ended the conversation and closed up in true PA fashion like normal.

“My mom is a sucker for a sob story.” Her voice was raspy with emotion yet held a hint of anger, at him or her mother he wasn’t sure. He hated knowing that she had never had the childhood she deserved, hated knowing she had been hurt in ways that someone like her should have never endured. “That’s about all there is to her.”

“She has bad taste in men?” He got up silently and moved toward her, aching to soothe her while she talked about this stuff, just wanting to be there for her. Despite everything, all Jake ever wanted was to help her and learn more about what made her tick. She walked further off, putting the distance back between them a little as though she had sensed him getting closer, always holding him at bay.

“That’s an understatement,” she snapped angrily.

“They hurt you?” He had moved faster, got to right beside her before he had spoken again. Instinctively reaching out to her like he always did when she was close, the smell of her shampoo in the fresh air luring him against her, his fingers moving into her hair near her ear. Flexing his fingers into her scalp, causing her to lean into his touch, with a sigh and dampening over his mood like a balm. Touching her always brought him calmness, even when the topic was hard to digest. She leaned into him and he was lost to her almost instantly. His other hand sliding over her shoulder on the other side and sliding down her arm a little. Savoring the softness of her creamy skin with little resistance.

She always feels so fucking good.

Leaning in close to the back of her head, breathing slowly and placing his mouth on the back of her hair, inhaling her, and curbing the urge to kiss her pain away.

“Some … Some just wanted to …” Her voice weakened as she swallowed hard. His hand left her arm, snaked around her waist, and pulled her into his body smoothly. His mouth moving to her neck gently and pulling her tight and close to him to be the strength she needed.

“She didn’t protect you,” he whispered against her collar bone, the soft delicate smell of her skin bringing him a sense of completeness, the gentle soft curves of her body making the pain in his chest fade a little and he just held her, wanting to always keep her safe. He could stay this way forever.

“She did what she could,” she mumbled, softly allowing her body to meet his, having a little too much of an effect on his ability to think clearly and instinct at being joined with her was taking control. He couldn’t stop his nose skimming her shoulder and neck, the hand that was in her hair trailing down her naked arm and wrist and back up. He couldn’t deny that no matter what he would always want her this way, always want to touch her and devour every inch of her. Even while trying to give her solace about that bitch mother of hers a part of him wanted to turn her in his arms and just kiss the pain away, lose himself in that mouth and against that honey-sweet tongue.

“She didn’t stop bringing men around her child, miele.” His voice was hoarse with a mix of emotion and lust, and he felt her tense again, this time he knew it was at his words not his actions, his mind coming back to what he said and honing in on a tiny glimpse of Emma’s past.

“Why did you leave Chicago … Leave her?” His hands were still trailing down her arms and up again, but his focus was fully on her words now, the thought that his Emma had run from home to find safety in New York of all places. The thought of the girl he knew running scared from anything made him feel sick to his stomach.

“I needed to walk away from all of it … I needed to save myself because no one else was going to.” Her voice broke a little, and he knew without turning her there were more tears and it tore him open to the bone.

“I think you need to talk to someone about all of this, Emma … a counselor … I could …”

She jerked away instantly, spinning to glare at him angrily. All moods snapped closed with simple words, and suddenly she was fire and anger and squaring up to him like he was the enemy.

“Not a goddamn chance,” she spat, all venom and pain in her face. “I’m not fucking crazy!”

“Emma, that isn’t what I said,” Jake responded a little surprised at her sudden turnaround in mood, seeing a side of her she normally kept so under control. Sheer emotion and rage seeping from that beautiful face. He attempted to put his arms around her gently again, but she held out a hand stopping him. He stayed back, allowing her breathing space to vent. Unsure how to deal with the fire he had always sensed was just under the surface.

“Don’t okay … you wanted to know … now you know, and that’s the end of it.” The strength was back in her voice, PA Emma had returned, and she stalked past him toward the car, keeping her eyes averted. Her whole demeanor closing up, standing taller and her grace and mannerisms of the polished PA sliding in defensively. He could read her signs, she was putting that fucking wall back up because he was an idiot that somehow always pushed it. He was pissed as hell again, instant anger flooding back too, but mostly at himself.

“Don’t do that,” he snapped accusingly, following her back to the car, close on her heels, he grabbed her arm to turn her, but she yanked it away.

“Do what?” she yelled, deliberately looking anywhere but him in an attempt to get away. He grabbed her arm again and tugged her around to face him harshly, this time succeeding.

“Don’t shut me out again, clamp down like you always do. Not after everything, I’m … I’m sick to death of this never-ending fucking circle.” He raged losing his temper at always feeling like he would get so far and then boom, door slammed shut in his face again, driving him crazy.

“I didn’t want to tell you; You just keep pushing.” She wrenched her arm away, chin lifting defiantly. “Let’s go back to the boat. I’m hungry and I’m tired.” She sounded so cool and closed off he could feel himself erupting again internally.

Always the goddamn same shit with her.

He lifted his hands to grab at mid-air in sheer agitation, not sure if he could choke her about now and gritted his teeth, eyes burning, he paced away from her again, cursing and raging into the open air. She ignored him, turning and getting back into the car. Jake walked to the car and got in, slamming his door, and buckling up in complete stony-faced silence.

He knew when something was futile, he knew when to give up and stop going around in circles of fury and rage that would only end with him doing something stupid as hell. Jake had a lot of flaws but his worse was his impulsive knee-jerk reaction to any kind of hurt. He knew he could be a massive jackass when feelings were involved, and he was done with this once and for all.

“Conversation fucking over,” he muttered to himself, starting the car and throwing it into gear as he pulled back out onto the road, he turned the car and headed back to where they had come from; breakneck speed to expel some of the energy building up inside of him wanting to blow out like an explosion. He needed to just get her back to the boat, dump her on deck and put some much-needed distance between them.

He turned the stereo up loud indicating he wouldn’t attempt conversation, in fact, he had nothing left to say to her. She was just messing with his head in all kinds of ways, and he couldn’t do this anymore. Noticing her hand in her hair twisting it anxiously he lost what hold he had left of his temper. Seeing her like that always irritated him, but now it just fucking enraged him. He tugged her hand out of her hair aggressively.

“Stop fucking doing that!” he barked over the music, eyes glinting at her with fury. She glared back haughtily.

“That hurt,” she snapped, reaching out to turn the music down, he had no idea what was even playing it was all just noise to drown her out, and it was failing. She touched her head at the root of the hair she had been twisting indicating he had pulled it and he felt bad despite his anger. He always felt stupidly guilty when it came to her. She had a way of making him feel like the biggest asshole on the planet effortlessly. Maybe being an asshole was what he should be doing and kill this once and for all. If they weren’t friends, maybe they could just be professional and not give a fuck about each other anymore.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he apologized through gritted teeth. “I’m sorry.” He meant it, but it sounded like it lacked conviction. He was done with all of this and he just had to get her back to the boat and out of his face for a while so he could think.

“I don’t know why it bothers you so much,” she spat at him. “I don’t know I’m doing it.” Angry flashing eyes aimed his way once again, and he literally wanted to just hit something.

“It bothers me because it’s a sign that you’re anxious, that you’re nervous or upset … I don’t like it,” he snapped back, sick of feeling like this all the goddamn time, sick of feeling like he should walk on fucking eggshells around her.

“Oh, so you want me to unleash vulnerable Emma, but only if she doesn’t act nervous or anxious … Makes so much sense.” She seethed. He glared at her, his jaw tensing, fire meeting fire. The sizzle of electric between them causing the air to crackle. He looked away and focused on the road, gripping the wheel hard in an effort to not slam something with his fist. She brought out so much rage in him with so little effort.

He got them back to the port in record time and didn’t bother to get out when they pulled up, waiting for her to open her own goddamn door and go first so he could take a minute to hang back. He took a moment to calm down and was glad to see the speedboat was still moored to the jetty, he wouldn’t have to wait around for the ship’s crew coming for them; guessing the captain was still in town after bringing them over here, and he would send the boat back for him later, he had Jake’s number.

Going back across the water to the boat was silent, and she kept herself standing away from him, gripping the rail and looking out to sea. He wasn’t going to try anymore, he had made up his mind that enough was enough, and he was ruining everything by being fucking hung up on her. He had to remind himself that she wasn’t anything more special than a million other girls out there. He just needed to get her out of his head, and he could only do that with some real time apart. Maybe that was the issue, too much time spent together every goddamn day had made it impossible to ever really move on.

When they moored to the back of the yacht, Emma didn’t wait for him, just hopped up and off the boat and headed up to the top deck. Jake handed off the rope to the crewman who appeared to greet them.

“Someone will need to go back for Max later, call him and tell him I brought the boat back,” Jake said abruptly and left the young man to secure the boat before following Emma upstairs.

When he got up on deck, Emma was already at the buffet making a food plate, her back to him and he seriously felt like yanking her around and just choking her. She had him so wound up and pissed that he couldn’t think straight. No woman, except maybe Marissa, had ever caused this amount of a reaction in him and he needed to be far away right now.

“Oh, the love birds have returned,” Leila squealed and threw herself around Emma for a hug, she grinned Jake’s way, but he only glared back.

“We went for a drive.” Jake glared at anyone who dared to look his way then turned on his heel and headed back to his room. He wasn’t staying here for this crap feeling like this. He needed head space and time out. Heading back down to the lower floor he pulled out his phone to text Daniel.

You may be right about putting my Plan B into action. J

He got to his room just as Hunter replied, he had his phone sent over to him with belongings first thing this morning before heading out with Emma to make his stay in hospital more comfortable.

Sorry to hear it, man, but onwards and upwards … Fuck her out of your system.

Jake stared at the screen for a moment before sighing in resignation.

I intend to. See you in a few days. J

Jake stormed to his room and kicked the door shut with a professional kick-boxing maneuver, every nerve ending tingling with the need to release some pent-up tension. Jake was a simple creature, he expelled his excess energy in four ways. Either through fighting, sports, other extreme physical pursuits or sex. And lately, sex had been completely off the table for him; he was about to remedy that and hoped to God some of this crazy aggressive anger that had been building up for weeks would subside.

He couldn’t do this shit anymore with her, his life had become one mass of up and down emotional bullshit. His head was all over the place to the point he acted like he had PMS like a fucking woman on a daily basis. She drove him nuts, yet he couldn’t stay away from her. He loved her, yet he wished he could walk away and never see her again. He didn’t know which way was up or down, but he knew one thing—he couldn’t bear the thought of firing her and starting over with a new PA, so he had to sort this another way.

Hunter had been right about one thing, the lack of sex was screwing with his head, lack of dates and women in general. This wasn’t who he was, wasn’t who he wanted to be anymore. He would get his ass off this infernal boat and away from her for a few days. Hunter had already agreed he would look after her should Jake take off, and he was going to screw himself back to sanity with as many women as it took. Hell, he might even go back to the days of more than one at a time if it eased his pain.

Emma had only seen that version of him, so what difference would it make if he went back to it? She had no idea of how much he had changed his lifestyle for her, she didn’t see the lack of parties and booze, the lack of women. She only saw what he wanted her to see and lately, it had been a moody fucker who was useless at his job and all over the place. No more. Jake was taking his heart and his goddamn life back.

He picked up his phone from the docking station and skimmed the names until he came to one in particular, hit call and stuck it to his ear. Every part of his gut

was trying to stop this insanity, but he had made his mind up and pushed down all the guilt he was feeling to the back of his mind.

“Hello.” The female voice that answered sounded surprised to hear from him after so long, but he didn’t care, he had chosen her because he knew she would be up for it and available.

“Hey, Brianne, long time no see. Thought I would call and see if you were still up for partying,” Jake said smoothly, old Casanova coming out to play effortlessly. He may have been a complete mess around Emma, but with other women, he had no problem at all. He knew how to play them, and he had always done it well. He had zero nervousness about booty calls.

“Of course, for you, Jake, I would literally drop everything.” She purred, unable to contain her excitement, and the lust-fueled husk to her tone now. Jake knew he had her right where he wanted. Brianne, from the first time he had met her in a downtown bar, had been hot for him. Obviously so.

“I’m heading home in a few minutes, flight back from a little trip so you could meet me at my apartment tonight, take it from there.” He moved his phone from his ear as he hauled off his shirt to get changed, mind already making plans to get the hell out of here.

“Definitely, baby, I’ll be naked and waiting for you, sexy. Do you want me to bring some booze?” She giggled girlishly, doing nothing at all for his libido but he played along.

“Sure, whatever you want, I don’t plan on much sleep,” he growled sexily and hauled on a new shirt with one hand awkwardly, trying not to picture Emma with every word out of his goddamn mouth. He also couldn’t shift the feeling that right now he was a disgusting human being who had never deserved Emma in the first place and this right here proved it. He shoved the sickening lump aside and focused on Brianne.

“Sounds like my kind of party, I can’t wait to see you again, it’s been far too long, Jakey baby.” She once again purred down the line, and he could almost picture her getting wet for him. Girls were too damn easy, maybe that’s why he had fallen hard for Emma. She had been the first real challenge to come along in a very long time, the first woman to not drop her panties at the first smile. The first girl that had made him feel something for her that wasn’t just lust.

“Cool, so … laters then. I’ll be home around five I guess.” He flipped the phone to his other shoulder as he buttoned up his shirt. Not really feeling the same thrill he used too at hooking up with someone as hot and wild as Brianne, but he figured once he got home and had her naked it would all fall into place. Brianne was one of the more adventurous ex-playmates. She was up for any kind of sex and liked to be dominated roughly. Right about now Jake needed to expel a little aggression and doing it sexually was his idea of the perfect solution. He wasn’t against a little bit of rough and ready, she liked bondage too and he sure as hell had no problem with being dominant in bed.

“Laters, baby … a lot of laters.” She giggled sexily and then he hung up, he wasn’t much for unnecessary small talk and threw his cell on the bed as he continued to get ready.

* * *

Jake headed up on deck looking for Emma half an hour later, changed into a black fitted shirt and jeans, his usual ready to party look. With shades on and a grim expression on his face and a mood to match. He saw her lounging with Leila and called her over, pushing down the ache inside at the sight of her.

“Emma, I need you a second.” His tone was emotionless and borderline pissed, guilt trying to push into his mood, but he stuffed it back down knowing he had to stay in this frame of mind to do this. He gestured her to follow him as he turned and headed away from prying eyes, she followed obediently, and he tried to ignore every part of his heart trying to soften at her mere presence.

No more of this wimpy shit, Carrero.

They walked down to the lower floor of the boat, he could feel Emma behind him, tense, quiet and uncertain, but he had to do this for his own sanity. He had to maintain this anger and mood and leave. Leave her and this stupid infatuation behind so he could go back to just working with her.

“I’m leaving for a couple of days; I’ve left you a credit card in your room in case you want to go out, there’s a car on shore that will take you anywhere you want to go.” His voice was flat, devoid of emotion and trying so hard to avoid looking at those wounded baby blues that could unravel him in seconds. From the corner of his eye he saw her head snap up and eyes search his face, he got a punch in the gut feeling of regret, but he clenched his fists in defiance and gritted his teeth against it.

“Where are you going? We cleared your schedule for two weeks, so you wouldn’t need to go anywhere.” She sounded shocked, her voice slightly higher and faster than normal. He could feel the tension and fear coming from her that he was leaving her alone with these people, but he knew Leila would take care of her and Hunter was back tonight and had sworn with his life to watch over her. To make sure no one else tried anything, and that she had a relaxing end to the trip. He felt like an asshole to be leaving her though, he had promised he would take care of her, and he was being a dickhead by not doing that. She had to know this was the best for both of them though.

“Change of plan … try to relax and have fun, if you can,” he said it angrily, at himself, not her. She was looking at him more and more like she was about to cry, and he just felt like punching himself in the face. Anger ripping through him at a hundred miles an hour and worsening his mood.

I’m sorry, bambino.

“Do you need me to come?” she replied coolly in her PA tone. It wasn’t what he wanted, but it made this easier on him, closing her out. Taking the feeling out of the conversation and it just reminded him of the fact that this would always be her. She would never love him.

“No, I don’t,” he replied coldly, fully resigned that what he was doing was right.

“Jake, you pay me to be at your beck and call and go with you at a moment’s notice,” she retorted haughtily, mannerisms back and the tight lift of that defiant chin. He took a moment to look at that face as a reminder that he would never cross this line again. Every part of him hurting to the point he just felt desolation again.

“I don’t pay you to watch me fuck other women, Emma,” he snarled at her nastily, frustration making him react. Regretting it as soon as it was out of his mouth but not willing to apologize over this and show any weakness. If he wanted professionalism back, then he had to make her hate him a little bit, even if it killed him.

Emma looked shocked and a little hurt and the urge to take it all back hit him harder, only giving him more resolve to be harsher to kill this friendship the coldest way and be done with it. He looked away from those endless sea eyes that ripped his heart from his chest and hardened his face.

“I’m redefining the boundaries of our relationship—uncrossing the line. That’s what you called it, right?” He tossed back casually, avoiding looking at that beautiful face, he couldn’t keep this up with her so close.

Don’t hate me, miele, just understand this is for the best.

“You think going off to screw someone will uncross that line?” Her words sounded pained, quiet and for a moment Jake doubted all of it. Doubted her feelings and doubted his whole stupid plan. The urge to tell her he didn’t mean any of it, to turn and wrap his arms around her and beg forgiveness for being a prick was strong. He would call Brianne in a second and cancel if he thought for one moment Emma would love him back. He turned and saw only cool PA facing him, hands clasped at her waist and a raised brow that contradicted everything.

“It’s a start.” He turned away in disappointment, heart hitting the floor once again as he led her into his room and pulled a case from the cupboard. He had packed a flight bag already and needed only a few clothes.

“Got over your little break, I see.” She sounded cold, reminding him of admitting to a lack of sex at that charity dance.

“I think that’s probably the reason for the latest tension; I need to go let off steam.” He smirked icily, glad to have an excuse to cool things between them if he was being honest. He couldn’t, in all honesty, keep doing this to himself anymore. His body wasn’t built for long periods of celibacy, and his shitty moods and fuzzy head might actually improve. She was watching him with a cool expression, poised and motionless as though observing a naughty child carrying out a punishment, that whole school Miss thing going on. He tried not to look at her, he didn’t want to remember her this way anymore. Soft hair and pretty dresses, tanned and beautiful. He would see her back at work, back in tight tailoring and her no-nonsense mask on and take it from there.

“Enjoy yourself.” She turned on her heel, a slightly pinched expression that only riled him more, but didn’t leave.

“Don’t miss me while I’m gone, tesoro mio.” Jake smiled in full Casanova charm, he all but winked at her. Laying it on thick. “I’m sure you’ll find something exciting to do.” He was back to focusing on packing, but his voice was flat and emotionless, the cruel and harsh words had been deliberate. He was severing more than unrequited love, he was severing friendship and placing Emma back on the employee list with everyone else at Carrero Corp. He was done.

“When shall I expect you back, Mr. Carrero?” She seemed to get with the program, returning to her business-like manner and tone. His insides bristling with the change in her but accepting what he had chosen finally. This was the future for Jake and Emma. He should never have ventured down this path to feelings and emotions.

“When I’m done … hard to say … it’s been a while,” he sneered without looking up. Twisting the knife to make sure that he had sealed the fate of their relationship. In turn, he was twisting it in his own chest and repulsed at how he was treating her, how he was being with her. If any other guy had dared be this way to her, he would have broken their neck.

He could see Emma smile his way in her fake office face, the one she used to greet business acquaintances and was distracted by his phone vibrating in his pocket. Swiping it out he saw Brianne’s name on the screen and hesitated.

Old Jake had openly dated in front of Emma, had openly had women in the same hotel suites, and if he wanted to go back to that, then he had to ignore how sick to his stomach answering this call in front of her was making him feel and get back to being that guy. He hesitated as his conscience tried to get the better of him, quickly making a decision that he hated. He swiped it and pressed the screen.

“Hi,” he answered without looking her way, ignoring the nerves ripping through him or the way his hand started trembling with the effort. He lacked his cocky confidence in answering because right now he felt anything but.

“Hi, baby, it’s me again. Just checking if you had left yet as I might meet you at the airport instead.” Brianne was trying for sexy and soft and only irritated him, Emma’s eyes were boring into him and making him feel about a foot tall. He cursed her internally and wished he had ignored the phone.

“I’ll be leaving soon.” Jake didn’t want to have a conversation right now, and he hoped his tone conveyed that to Brianne.

“Oh, do you have company and can’t talk? Sorry, I just missed your voice, it’s beyond sexy, and I am so excited about seeing you.” She purred irritatingly, and Jake had to steel the urge to tell her to forget all of this.

“Yeah, I missed you too, bambino,” he said flatly, still feeling Emma’s presence burning into him like rays from the sun, he wanted to just curl up and die about now.

“Okay, well my flight gets in around four, so I may hang around at the airfield for you if that’s okay?”

“I’ll meet you there,” Jake said quickly and didn’t wait for her reply just hung up quickly to stop the way his throat was trying to strangle him to death with guilt. He slid his phone back into his pocket and couldn’t look at her at all, every part of him felt like a complete shithead as though he was openly cheating on her. In his own head, he was, and it had the ability to stop it all if he let it.

Fuck.

“Who?” Emma blurted out and caused another slice to his heart. He couldn’t tell her it was the girl he used to replace her so many times when she first started working for him. Brianne was small, blonde and could have been Emma’s sister to look at, but she didn’t need to know that.

“No one you know. Old flame.” He closed his case, throwing her a fiery look, willing her to back off and not pursue this agony.

“If that will be all, Mr. Carrero, I’ll leave you to it,” Emma said icily and threw him a look that translated to nothing at all, completely deadpan. She was stiff and devoid of emotion. Sad that he had made it happen this way, pushed her to this version of her that she hadn’t been since the first week he had known her, but this is who he needed to see from now on.

“Tell the others, after I’m gone, I had to go away for a couple of days.” He was picking up his case, his body stiff with tension and he just had to get out, he couldn’t breathe now it was getting closer to leaving her. He was slowly suffocating and on the verge of some sort of anxiety attack.

“What reason shall I give?” She was painfully polite and factual. Another nail in the coffin of his heart.

“I don’t give a shit, Emma … the truth for all I care.” He flexed his eyebrows sardonically at her, really completely done.

Jake lifted his bags and strolled out purposely past her, not looking her way again and determined to just go and be done with it. The sooner he put distance between them the sooner he would be able to think straight and start rationalizing all of this. He could start to move on and no longer initiate anything non-business related with her.

He felt her follow him down the hall and willed her not to … to stay back and give his heart a chance at letting go of her, he was weakening with every step toward the back of the boat, doubts flooding in and that inner part of him that eternally wanted to protect her clawing him back. To stop, to go back and just get on his knees and beg her to forgive him for being an asshole, but he couldn’t.

He knew all it would take was her following him here and one sad look, one sad fucking set of baby blues his way and he would bail on all of this because, like it or not, he fucking loved her, and the last thing he wanted to be doing right now was leaving her for anything in the world. It took all of his strength to walk the last steps and hand his bag to the waiting crewman he had told to get the boat ready. If she came out now he was done for, he knew how weak he was when it came to her, but she didn’t.

She had retreated before he hit the open air and had probably gone back on deck. She had let him go because she had never loved him and as much as he hated himself for doing this it had never been so fucking right. She had made it clear, and he loved her enough to let her fucking go.

He needed to find his own sanity again, and if he could do that between the legs of Brianne it would be a goddamn start.

* * *

By the time the plane touched down in New York Jake was beyond drunk, he had hit the booze hard on the four-hour flight and was at the point of seeing double. He had tried to drown his sorrows and give himself enough Dutch courage to see this through and gone way overboard. He had been consumed with her, memories of kissing her, aching to go back and just stop this bullshit.

God, he missed her already.

Just being away, the miles widening, had been torture for him, and instead of distance giving him the ability to breathe he had felt each mile choking him to near strangulation. He was so fucked over this girl and out of control. Every part of him wanted to turn around and go back. He had pulled up her name on his phone a hundred times and just stared at it, stopping himself from drunk dialing her and telling her he was an asshole because he fucking loved her to death. And he did … all-consuming, every single aching part of him loved her beyond anything he could ever explain. She was his world whether she wanted to be or not and he was a major idiot for letting it get this far.

He hovered over the song he had pulled from his iTunes a hundred times and thought about sending it but didn’t.

Apologize—One Republic.

He wanted to tell her he was sorry, he felt like the biggest prick in the world and his heart was wrenched in two at being this way to his angel. His beautiful perfect fucking little angel.

God, he was so fucking drunk.

Getting off the plane had been an ordeal, he hadn’t been this smashed in a long time and almost fell down the steps onto the runway in front of Jefferson. He casually came and helped Jake walk to the car with a silent unamused expression on his fatherly face. Jefferson knew better than to say anything; he had been there through Jake’s wild years and tended to let him get whatever was eating him out of his system in any way that Jake felt necessary. He just helped Jake get into the car and almost groaned when he saw Brianne already there and grinning his way. She really did look like Emma in a devastating way, but she wasn’t her.

No one would ever compare to her even if they were fucking twins who had been separated at birth.

Fuck.

He realized the privacy panel on the limo was already up and groaned, he knew only too well what that meant and didn’t have to even look to find she was naked under her fur coat as Jefferson closed the door on them, locking him in his dark hell with a girl who was only focused on sex. Jake was seriously regretting this all over and laid his head back on the seat and just closed his eyes.

“You smell like booze, Jakey baby, did you start without me?” She smiled and crawled over suggestively to straddle his lap as the car moved off. Jake didn’t have the energy to react. He just tried to not see Emma in his mind’s eye as small hands ran up his abdomen and chest and started unbuttoning his shirt. He was no stranger to sex in the back of his cars but right now he didn’t care if he never had sex again as long as she let him sleep this off. She tried to kiss him on the mouth, but he turned away. She wasn’t her, she didn’t kiss like her. He wanted Emma.

“Hmm, yeah.” Jake was trying to just sleep, his swimming head trying to give into the darkness, the only thing stopping him was the probing hands on his body or the small wet mouth now moving across his neck and collar bone as she exposed skin. Jake couldn’t deny his body was reacting, but he also couldn’t deny the whole fucking time he was seeing and hearing Emma in his head. Closing off Brianne completely and just letting his head go any route it wanted. He was definitely getting hard with the writhing, small body on top of him and his hands automatically slid up naked legs under a fur coat to find soft naked skin and curves.

He opened eyes and looked down at the blonde hair across his chest as she licked and nibbled her way down, breathing in her musky perfume and instantly hating that it wasn’t tropical or sweet. It was all wrong for how she looked.

Her body ducked lower, and she started unbuttoning his pants, horny Jake starting to take control of his mind and with a visual so Emma-like he couldn’t help but react. He shoved her back and helped speed the way, unbuttoning and yanking them down until he was fully exposed and ignoring her face. If he looked at her he would know it wasn’t her and wouldn’t be able to do this. He closed his eyes again and relaxed into her mouth devouring him.

Pleasure waving up his limbs and the amazing sensation of a hot wet mouth on a part of him that had been severely neglected. She was good at doing this and soon had him reaching that pinnacle of release far too quickly, he came in her mouth, and only for a second felt remorse at doing something so dirty to his beautiful angel. Looking down and seeing Brianne licking her lips back at him. He pushed down the surge of anger and looked away from her again. So goddamn conflicted.

Closing his eyes forcefully as she let her hand bring him back for a second round, her body fully naked now she had let her coat slide down to the floor, the motion of the car only added to how quickly she was getting him turned back on.

Deciding to take matters into his own hands he shoved her off him onto the seat. Facially she didn’t have Emma’s beauty, and he didn’t want to fuck anyone else. So, Jake did the only thing he could, he turned her around and pushed her hard against the seat with every intention of abusing this body until every part of his mind that wanted Emma in every way was satisfied. This is why he had chosen Brianne. From behind she was almost her, and she had no boundaries in the ways she would let him fuck her, she didn’t care how rough or how many times as long as it was him. Brianne was one of those all consumed by Jake kind of women and it would serve his purpose tonight. Pushing her into the leather he got up behind her and smacked her hard across the ass. Leaving his mark with satisfaction before leaning in to wipe Emma out of his head for good.

* * *

“Take her home.” Jake barked at Jefferson as he got out of the car, Brianne tried to follow, but he pushed her back in by the face cruelly. He had screwed her mercilessly until he came and then he had bluntly told her that she wouldn’t be coming home with him. Jake was beyond pissed at himself right about now, and he needed to get the fuck away from her and out of these clothes. He felt dirty and angry and wanted to just go beat the shit out of any mother fucker who looked at him the wrong way.

Sex hadn’t done what he wanted—it had given him instant relief for the half hour car journey, he had kept her facing away and let out months of tension and frustration until she screamed. But then he had felt empty and fucked-up and just hated himself more than he did already. Emma wasn’t out of his head, instead he had made this a whole lot worse by fucking someone who could so easily be her in his memories and just added to his constant goddamn torture.

He was a complete idiot for choosing Brianne. He should have gone for tall, brunette and skinny as hell.

Brianne tried to grab at his wrist as he maneuvered away and he just glared at her coolly.

“It was a fuck, Brianne, let it go.” He yanked his hand free, and all but slammed the door in her face. Jefferson looked at him with a stern expression, but he ignored him. He was still drunk enough to fly off the handle and the last person in the world he wanted to hit was him. Jefferson said nothing but went back to his door and got in. Jake stalked across the car park and toward the elevator in a rage. He was home, back at his apartment yet he didn’t want to be here anymore.

He had royally just fucked himself up more in the head. Pressing his penthouse floor code into the keypad, he leaned back against the elevator with a sigh. He wouldn’t stay in New York, he would go stay with Arrick in LA for a few days and get his head straight. His brother was only young, but he had a wisdom that sometimes made more sense than Hunter’s. He knew women just as well as Jake did and maybe time with his brother and no women at all was what he really needed to do. Sex had cured nothing, just made him realize until he no longer loved Emma, then he would never want to have sex with another woman again. She was it for him, no one would ever compare, and until he stopped looking at her that way then he would forget about sex. Brianne was a mistake, and he had never felt this much regret and guilt in his life. It was eating at him mercilessly and all he wanted to do was pass out and forget all about it, forget the last half an hour and forget the one woman who relentlessly tortured his mind to near insanity.