I joined the men at chow the next morning, giving nothing away about my state of mind. They would be heading out on patrol at 0800, so by the time they returned, I might have gone. Returning to my room, I packed my things and waited as the time ticked down. Honestly, I knew I'd just make the decision in the moment. I took out my phone and looked at the last messages I'd sent. Nothing terribly exciting, aware that was the last time they'd hear from me. I knew I couldn't even send a simple message like 'I love you'. It would seem like a farewell.

At 0859, I...