I idolized my brother since I could remember. I denied it, could not identify it, didn't really even understand it. But it was attraction, all along, I was attracted to him since I can remember. The shape of his eyes, his mouth, his smell. His touch. The way he looked in a pair of jeans. I chalked it up to little sister veneration, and I was a romantic. I gave him Valentines, held his hand, left notes, MISSED him.

Years and years and years. I felt it before I could name it.

And something else.

Starting in nighttime dreams, of us wrestling mostly. Him holding my hands, pinning me, not...