"I think you should start by breathing," I answer, completely confused but absolutely certain we need to talk about this in person. "I'll be right there. Tell mom and dad we're going for ice cream."

"Okay," she says. We disconnect and I pull on a shirt. It's about 8 p.m. on a weeknight. It won't seem odd that we're going out for a treat.

"Want us to bring you anything?" I ask mom and dad as Lauren scoots past me headed for the door.

"No thanks, honey," mom says, eyeing me apprehensively. "You two have fun."

"Mom wants me to fuck dad!" Lauren says as she's buckling her seatbelt.

"So...