"We know that," Stan said, "But right now you're not even wearing a ring. Don't worry, John is having the same fun right now. He's picking up a ring now and we will formally announce your engagement in Moscow when he meets us there. You can get married over there, or when we return."

Such romance.... Not. As a girl, I used to dream of the moment when their love gets on their knees and asks her to marry him, the big wedding I might have with the fairytale dress and the packed church. Instead, I got bitten on the neck while he was banging me into a puddle of...